I Was Never Meant for Indifference

I haven't been nonchalant a day in my life. 

I stop for sunsets.

I notice wildflowers growing through cracks in the sidewalk. 

I collect little moments like they're souvenirs. 

When I decide you're my people, I don't know how to love halfway. I love with both hands. I remember your birthday, your favorite song, the story you told me months ago that you probably forgot you shared. 

I sing loudly, even when the song deserves better.

I dance without caring who's watching. 

I laugh with my whole body.

I cry when things matter.

I get excited over little things and make something out of nothing because I've always believed that ordinary days deserve a little magic, too.

Maybe I was never meant for indifference.

Maybe I'm meant to feel the sunset a little too deeply, love my people a little too fiercely, and find beauty in places other people just rush past. 

I've never wanted to be the person who could walk through life untouched. 

I want to be moved by it. 

By the sky.

By music. 

By wildflowers.

By memories. 

By people.

Especially by people.

So no, I haven't been nonchalant a day in my life.

And I hope I never am. 🤍

Be A Ruth & Flip the Narrative

Although I've been attending church consistently for about two years now, it is not often I get to sit in on a sermon. I assist with worship, however, during our main session, I assist in our children's church classroom and while I absolutely love it, I recently asked myself - "how can I help these children to feed their faith when I'm not feeding mine in the way it deserves? Last Sunday, I decided I would make it a priority to get to Sunday school this morning, ensuring I could spend some time in His word. 

In Sunday school, they've been studying the story of Ruth. 

After losing her husband, Ruth chose to follow her mother-in-law to a foreign land - an act of faith and courage. Eventually, God blessed her with another husband and a new life. 

But here's something that stood out to me: Ruth questioned God, asking "Why me?" Not because everything was falling apart, but because things were falling into place. 

How often do we only ask "why me?" in the valleys of life - during the loss, the struggle, the pain?

What if we flipped the narrative? What if we began asking "why me?" when blessings come? 

• "Why me, Lord, to be able-bodied and able minded?"
• "Why me, to receive that unexpected kindness or compliment?"
• "Why me, to be chosen for this opportunity, this joy, this season?"

Gratitude grows when we recognize that even on the mountaintops, God's grace is intentional. So today, I'm choosing to ask "Why me, Lord?" not in doubt, but in awe. 

2023: Oh What a Year!

 It's December 31st, 2023. Only one day remains in the year, and dang, what a year it's been! There is so much that we crammed into this year, it's hard to even know where to begin (or end for that matter). 

Do you remember my last blog post? The one where I mentioned we were moving into our fifth wheel on my father in law's property? Well, it happened. And man, what an invigorating change. We lived so much life inside and outside of those walls. Nights were spent with family and friends on the patio out front, the same patio that served as the dance floor at our wedding in 2010. Shortly after moving onto the property, we made the decision to purchase a ranger side by side. While I scoffed at the price of such an investment, we've spent countless nights cruising around, making memories that I will hold onto for the rest of my life.

In March, we traveled with some of our dearest friends to Crystal Beach, TX, to spend spring break at Camp Margaritaville. That trip, such an adventure! An hour out from our destination, Jacob's truck lost a tire (while pulling the camper), which resulted in a smashed bedside and some cosmetic damage to the camper's skirting. Thank goodness for our tribe, who not only pulled our home on wheels the remaining length of the way, but who also re-arranged plans to accommodate us getting a rental car and  watched kids while we dealt with the dealership. And while that part was chaos, we also crammed so much fun into that trip - visiting Nasa, enduring chilly nights for outdoor concerts, games of sharks and minnows in the pool. 

A month after our trip to Texas, and after living in the camper for eight months, we were able to make a family dream come true by purchasing Jacob's grandparent's property, which sits one property south of my father in law. The date was April 20th, 2023.

We've spent the last eight months transforming this home into a home of our own. We've spent countless hours tearing down wallpaper and painting, scraping ceilings and re-texturing, ripping up carpet and putting down new floors. Every single minute has been worth it. We've already lived so much life within these walls (and outside of them) and are looking forward to creating many more over the years. 

And as amazing as 2023 has been, that's not to say it hasn't come with it's share of struggles. After taking a new job in leadership in 2022, I was moved to another department in January of 2023. Never one to back down from a challenge, I dug my heels in and gave it everything I had. Unfortunately, I found that I was losing myself in the process. I'd worked my tail off my entire career to climb the ladder and was dang proud of the process I'd made, but my anxiety was at an all time high and I was beginning to lose sight of what truly mattered as I allowed that anxiety to steal my joy. As scary and it was, I knew that if I wanted change for myself, I had to take the bull by the horns and work towards exactly that. 

As of October 16th, I am the Patient Care Coordinator at our local med spa, Skin Studio. A dear friend of mine shot me a text when the position opened, encouraging me to apply. Having to submit an introductory video of myself almost put me off, however, I went for it and was called in for an interview. When I walked into the office the day of my interview, I immediately felt a shift and after meeting the staff, knew that the atmosphere that what exactly the change I needed. I haven't looked back since.

Day by day, I feel the joy and drive returning within me. 

As for 2024, it's going to be my year. My goal? Rediscovery. Rediscovering the best version of myself. Holding tight to my family. Feeding my faith. Building habits. Writing again. Reading. Sunset cruises around the property. Late nights with friends. 2024 I'm coming for you, are you ready? 

Counting Stars & Lightning Bugs

It's been seven months since my last post. Winter has come and gone, as has spring and we're now full fledge into a good ol' Kansas summer. And life? It's been a little bit of a whirlwind. 

This next week will mark the end of an amazing chapter and will send us full throttle into the beginning of another. One that I'm currently looking at with equal parts of excitement and anxiety, while putting my trust in His plan, even when I'm unsure of what the future may bring. 

Jacob and I have both accepted positions with Clearwave Fiber, which offers both business and residential fiber service throughout the Midwest and Southeast regions of the United States. The office for the Kansas region is currently located in Baldwin City but will be moving to the Gardner area in the future. 

So what does this mean for us? 

When we'd first accepted our new positions, we were gung-ho for digging up our roots and replanting them in a new town. We've both grown up in the Emporia area and while there is no doubt that it's been a great place to raise a family, we both felt a little restless, like a move just might be exactly what the doctor ordered. 

We spoke with a family friend and got a recommendation for a realtor in the KC area, knowing that we needed to start our search sooner rather than later and jumped in headfirst. The first couple of properties we looked at didn't quite fit the bill of what we were looking for and while we were discouraged, we knew that it was going to be rare to find a house that felt like a home within our first few days of searching. So we continued on. And by golly, we found it (or so we thought) in Linwood, KS. 

The home was beautiful, completely remodeled to our taste, and sat on a private lake.  There was plenty of room for both our family and any visitors. We initially looked at the house on our own, however, since it was vacant, we were able to go back with the kids later that evening to see what they thought. They too fell in love. And let me tell you, trying to get any excitement out of a teenage boy these days is dang near impossible. So Jacob and I talked on it and decided to go all in and put an offer in on the house, adrenaline and nerves running through our veins. And then, the wait began. 

We waited, and waited, and waited. And due to lack in communication (on the seller's end), we lost out on it. And while we were pretty bummed, we decided that just meant it wasn't meant to be and something bigger and better would come along. So we continued on our search.

In the midst of our search, we decided to spend a week at the lake after work. It was our way to get away and decompress, finding relaxation amongst chaos. It was on one of those evenings that Jacob and I found ourselves side by side in our chairs, equally conversing and losing ourselves in the quiet. There was a point in our conversation where I began to spiral, spewing any and every worry that came to my mind as I tend to do when I'm feeling anxious. My husband, in true Jacob fashion, then spit our out one of his humbling, reassuring thoughts: "Me and you babe, we've got this. Whatever comes our way, we'll get through. But we can't forget to take the time to stop and watch the lightning bugs."

We looked at about 10 houses before we were getting exhausted in our search, even increasing our budget in hopes that something great would come along. Bigger budget or not, we still weren't finding anything else we were sold on. We're pretty spoiled by our current setup; a big house, an over-sized detached garage, a big yard and room to park our 43' camper and 19' boat plus all four of our vehicles in the driveway and truth be told, while we realized we were shooting for the stars, we weren't ready to give up on our wants and settle for something we know we'd be unhappy with shortly after we moved ourselves in. Nor did we want to settle into a new town, unsure of whether or not that was were we truly wanted to be. Pair that with the impending school year and bam, my stress level immediately went through the roof. And did I forget to mention that we'd put our house on the market in the midst of all of this and had it sold within a day and a half? Huh, silly me. 

So here we are, a couple of days away from starting my new career (him a month into it),school enrollment is upon us, and we close on our house in exactly 18 days. And our plan is....?

***DRUMROLL PLEASE***

To move into our camper. On the farm. In rural Emporia. Commuting every day to our new jobs.

I can see your faces now. 

Listen folks, I get it. Because truth be told, my face often mimics the above GIF. We've been back and forth so many times, giving not only ourselves but those who have so graciously been our sounding boards these last few months, emotional whiplash. But when it came down to it, we weren't quite ready to leave this all behind.

Our family is here. Our tribe is here. Lord knows we'll have to lean on all of them now more than ever. But the beautiful thing? They've already offered to sacrifice their own time to help us out in any way they can, no questions asked. We're raising our babies together. Laughing together. Crying together. Loving together. 

And to the family who will now reside in 223 S East St, I hope you love it just as much as we have. Our first step into that house felt like home. We were two kids chasing a dream, and man, what a beautiful dream. Our daughter took her first steps in that kitchen. Our son knocked out his teeth while wrestling with his buddies on the trampoline. Our framily formed itself around us on the Southside. The kitchen has hosted endless dinners and game nights, dance parties too. I've watched the last 3 Carolina NCAA championship games in the garage, which has also been the battle ground for several car projects. The basement has held family movie nights and been the scene of too many tickle fights. A home where every kid who walked in knew exactly where to find the snack cabinet and wasn't afraid to fall asleep on the couch. A home where friends could come to just simply "be."

I could go on and on about about how much I'll miss this home, but I won't. Because I'm already fighting back tears thinking of what we're leaving behind. And as for what the future holds for us in regards to a house, we're not sure yet. Maybe this is how we get around to building our dream home on acreage. Maybe we only survive a month and we're back to house hunting. Maybe we stay in Emporia. Maybe we don't. 

As for now, we're removing the noise ; you can find us counting the stars and lightning bugs. 

 

2022: The Year of Intention

 In 2019, I picked a word for the year. However, while I believed it to be a neat concept, I didn't truly embrace the idea of letting that word help set the tone for those 365 days. So, with 2022 right around the corner, I've decided to give it another go, whole-heartedly this time. 

As for the word? 

You can see the definition of intentional above. That's how I'm choosing to live out the next year, in all aspects of life. 

Intentional in relationships: Date nights with Jacob. One on one time with Tristan and Brynlee. Family game nights. Girl's nights. Dinner with family. Impromptu late nights with friends. Being present in togetherness, no matter who it's with. 

Physically intentional: Setting a weekly workout goal and a daily step goal. Making better food choices. Taking the stairs. Letting go of my idea of a perfect body image. 

Intentional in self-care: Taking time to do things that fuel my spirit. Writing. Losing myself in a good book. Sleeping in. Limiting social media. 

Intentional living: Traveling. Taking more pictures. Saying both yes and no to busy schedules and truly embracing it. Spontaneous adventure. Kitchen karaoke sessions. 

Spiritual intention: Daily devotions. Prayer. Gratitude. Exploration of faith.  

What about you? Do you have a word for 2022? 

Xo, 

Jess 

Girl, sweet girl.

I started writing as a kid and while I've moved on to the occasional blog post, poems were where it truly began. 

Words were tumbling around in my head today, so I put pen to paper. It was refreshing, like coffee over conversation with an old friend. 

Listen to the rain as it falls, 

the thunder as it rumbles across the sky. 

Breathe it in and let it sit, 

as the tears fall from your eyes. 

And then, 

chin up sweet girl. 

Don't let it win. 

You write and narrate your own story, 

it was never about them. 

Take a look at what's in front of you, 

as miniscule as the moments may seem, 

push out the darkness, 

allow the sunlight to gleam.

Stand in your own corner and be your own fan. 

Sweet girl, 

believe me when I say you can. 

You can do hard things. 

And while you may not feel it in the moment, I promise you one day,

you'll be standing on the mountaintop,

looking down on from where you came, 

and you'll laugh. 

Maniacally so. 

For in that moment you'll realize that you've overcome all you ever believed to stand in your way. 

It may not have always been pretty, 

it may have broken you a time or two,

but girl, sweet girl, 

you made it through.

Girl, Give Yourself a Breather & Take It In

 I laughed today. Man, did I laugh today. 

It all began at Walmart. Yeah that's right, Walmart. Jacob and I headed off to the good ole Wally World after work today to get our shopping for this weekend taken care of. Mandey, my BFF, was also there, as we'd collaboratively made a list of things we would need for our long weekend at the lake and hatched a plan to get it packed up this evening so that remainder of the week could be smooth sailing for all of us (lawdy, I hope I didn't jinx us all by making that prediction). 

If any of you have seen the three of us together than you can agree that we're quite the trio and always up to some sort of shenanigans. In no time, we were up to our normal antics. Heading toward the pet department, Mandey and I (mainly I), were quickly derailed at the summer aisle. After all, you never know what you might need for a weekend at the lake. After perusing the aisle and picking up a $3 pack of temporary tattoos for the kids, we headed back in our original direction to find Jacob, only to find him already headed back our way. As we turned in the middle of the aisle to head back the other direction, Jacob quickly took the lead ahead of us and was hustling to the other side of the store. Challenge accepted. As I watched my husband and my best friend compete for the lead, no doubt pulling out silly tactics to knock the other one out along the way, I started laughing. And when I say laughing, I mean full on giggles. You'd be pleased to know that these shenanigans continued for the entirety of the trip ; Jacob racing ahead to check items off the list and us forgetting something, or getting sidetracked by a shiny object. 

We made our way to the checkout line and fear not, shenanigans again ensued. On Jacob and I's list was a plethora of produce, so Mandey was done checking out well before us, leading her to begin to pull items from my cart at lightening speed. The woman working the self checkout lines began to laugh and said, "I didn't know that how things worked." My response, "It's our MO. If you only knew."

We all got back to the house and unloaded our weekend supplies. After chatting for awhile, we all decided it was time for dinner and went our separate ways. 

After an hour long shopping trip, neither Chef Boyardee or myself were motivated to find or prepare dinner, so we left it up to the kid's to decide on what they'd like. After a short debate, KFC was crowned the winner and we drove through the drive-thru for their famous family feast. 

Sitting at the table, Bryn quickly made her way through her mashed potatoes and moved on to her chicken wing. However, before eating it, she asked the chicken to forgive her for what she was about to do. That's right y'all, my seven year old asked her crispy chicken to forgive her. She didn't want it to feel hurt by her tearing off it's crispy, fried skin. Tristan then responds, "you know it's dead...right?" HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER. Our conversation continued, with Tristan explaining to his sister that chickens continue to run around, even after their heads are removed from their body. Jacob also jumped right in, making a gaggle of dad jokes which revolved around chicken. 

Y'all, I couldn't make this up if I tried. The four of us were laughing so hard that we cried, completed with tears running down our face and the ever hilarious snorting. Good grief, my sides hurt. I feel like I've run a marathon, complete with an ab workout. But I'd be lying if I said tonight wasn't exactly what I needed. 

You see, this year has been a tough one for me, mentally. There were times I missed out on what was right in front of me because I was too full of anxiety or anger. But tonight, I feel so much lighter. 

The bills, the stress, the chaos? In some shape or form, they're always going to be there. Time on the other hand? You won't get it back. So take it and treasure it. Live it up. Soak it in. 

Indulge in laughter. As I did just that tonight, I realized that the laugh I give Tristan such a hard time for, it's an extension of me. Our high pitched shrill when we are tickled pink may be loud but it's also contagious. 

Set your alarm for 4:50am and meet your friends at the track on the other side of town, no matter how much you want to hit your snooze button. Get your steps in, take some time for you. 

Listen to your husband snoring in the bedroom off the kitchen, where you're currently writing your blog and instead of being annoyed, be grateful for the partner you have in him, a hard worker and a man who loves with everything he has. 

Let your seven year old daughter climb into your bed to fall asleep. And when she's thrashing around, pull her close and take in her scent. She won't be little forever Momma, hang on to it while you can. 

The laundry can sit another day. That email can wait for a response. The cleaning can be done tomorrow. And the weight you're carrying around, feeling like you're not good enough or put together enough, or accomplishing enough? Let it go. 

Girl, give yourself a breather, take it in and recharge.