Dangit ya'll, times can be trying. And goodness knows, I'm the gal who internalizes, internalizes, internalizes. Until I can't anymore and that's when....
poop hits the fan.
Life is full of changes. In fact, change is one of the constants of life. Your girl, she embraces change. It gets me excited. It gets my mind going. In some ways it recharges me.
For those of you who don't know, Jacob took a new job since my last blog post. It's an opportunity that has laid in wait for these last few years and a few months ago, he decided to take a chance on himself and his abilities and go for it. In the last month, I've seen a shift in him, a good one. I've seen him regain his fire and I'm so damn proud of him. That being said, this job will require him to be on the road more often, which in turn, puts some wrinkles in our day to day routine.
The kid's started school last week. I have a first grader who participates in face to face classes five days a week and a middle schooler for which the majority of schooling is online, with a face to face session once every eight days. Brynlee gets out of school at 3:11pm, and with good old rona' lurking around, after school care isn't a thing. Tristan doesn't get out of class until after 3:30pm. On the days Jacob works in town, he can help with that. As for the others, it's all on me. Luckily for me, I work for a company and people who truly care about one another, giving me the ability to alter my work schedule and location to ensure my kid's are taken care of.
Jacob worked out of town EVERY day last week. If I'm being honest, the separation has been good for us. We talk more, laugh more. We appreciate each other more. But last week, your girl who just a few paragraphs ago said that she embraces change, was doing the exact opposite. I was loathing it... and letting it get the best of me.
Midweek, I saw my reprieve. Jacob was scheduled to work from home from Friday and I was scheduled off Friday. Since the kids would be in school during the day, it'd give us an opportunity to spend some one on one time together, maybe even go out for coffee together (something we used to do so often and something I clearly took for granted). What's that saying? Man plans, God laughs? Thursday afternoon, Jacob texted me saying he had some work come up for Friday. Whelp, so much for those plans.
Teamwork makes the dream work. Teamwork is how we get through. He cooks, I clean. He grocery shops, I schedule appointments. I get the kids off to school, he gets them picked up. We tag team laundry. We tag team night bath times and before bed routines. Last week however, it was all me but no worries, your girl got it handled.
Yet, I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I was destined to fail somewhere. I was reclusive. I was internalizing, quickly becoming upset and beating myself up every step of the way. Other people do this all the time Jess, why are you having such a hard time with it? Jacob is off working to further our family's opportunities, why are you struggling with that?
If a friend was in my same situation, I'd tell them to give themselves some time. That sometimes when change hits you all at once, it takes a little while to process. That it's okay to feel overwhelmed and it's human. And when life seems like it's trying to knock you down, stand firm and give yourself a little grace.
Giving yourself grace means giving yourself the kindness you deserve and not being so hard on yourself ; realizing you're doing the best you can do in the given moment.
Grace may be a day spent in bed, watching chick flicks and indulging in junk food. Grace may be allowing yourself to let the laundry sit another day so you can read another chapter of your book. Grace may be an evening spent on the couch, snuggled up with the kids. Whatever grace looks like to you, gift it to yourself. You'll be grateful when you do.
