Unpacking My Bag in 2021

I'll be honest in saying that 2020 has been equal parts invigorating and exhausting. It's refreshed me in ways that I never thought possible and yet, just a couple weeks out from a new year, I am feeling more drained than ever ; both physically and emotionally. 

I stumbled across an Instagram post yesterday from Jana Kramer, who mentioned that in a therapy session, her therapist read her a story in regards to letting go and moving away from things that aren't serving you anymore. And I'm not going to lie, there are probably dozens of similar posts that have been made and that I've seen, but yesterday, as I was tired and mad and hurting, it really resonated with me. What am I hanging onto that is no longer serving me? Unfortunately, those answers come a little too easily to me: anger, resentment, hurt, perception.

Anger with myself for allowing things to effect me in the way that I've let them, sneaking in and stealing joy from things that would normally bring me so much happiness. Anger in the way I've handled certain situations, letting things get the best of me. Anger is heavy. LET. IT. GO.

Resentfulness and hurt are two bitter pills which go in hand in hand. Their result? A hardened heart. Am I wrong in saying that when you feel as if you've been treated badly or hurt, your first instinct is to hurt back? And yet, two wrongs don't make a right. Bad things happen. But maybe, instead of letting those bad things loom like a darkened cloud over our heads, we should learn to use them to appreciate the light. Resentment and hurt don't change things. Instead they put a dimmer lens on the present. 

Perception, life is all about perception. How we view things, negatively or positively, will ultimately have an effect on the way we see ourselves and the way we see others. A unrealistic perception I've set for myself is outward appearance. By this I mean that I've always struggled with the fact that if I don't look "put together" or "ideal" then I'm failing. In the new year, I hope to take a step back and remind myself that I don't have to have it all down to succeed. Not having the time to make homemade treats for every class party does not make me a failure as a mother. Not looking like the girl two treadmills down from me at the gym doesn't invalidate my goals. That being said, I also need to change my perception towards others. Their opinions being different than mine doesn't invalidate them either, it doesn't make them wrong. In fact, I'm slowly realizing that difference in opinion has lead to some deep and meaningful conversations, ones that I may not have had otherwise. Another perception I've embedded within myself is the inability to say no. I fear that saying no to an opportunity or an invitation may hurt others, not realizing that most often the person that gets hurt is myself or my family. So in turn, I'm working towards saying no just as often, maybe more, than I say yes. Saying no will bring me more time with my family. Saying no will allow life to present new opportunities, new adventures. Saying no will lessen anxieties brought on by crammed schedules and expectations. It will make way for time doing the things that I want, that my family wants. And sometimes that thing is to do absolutely NOTHING. 

So there you have it, the things I hope to unpack from my bag in 2021: anger, resentment, hurt and perception. But I'm also hoping to take that open space in my bag and fill it with things that DO serve me. 

Faith.

Kindness.

Humility.

Forgiveness.

Inner peace.

Patience. 

What's in your bag? 

Girl, Give Yourself Some Grace

 

Dangit ya'll, times can be trying. And goodness knows, I'm the gal who internalizes, internalizes, internalizes. Until I can't anymore and that's when.... 

poop hits the fan. 

Life is full of changes. In fact, change is one of the constants of life. Your girl, she embraces change. It gets me excited. It gets my mind going. In some ways it recharges me. 

For those of you who don't know, Jacob took a new job since my last blog post. It's an opportunity that has laid in wait for these last few years and a few months ago, he decided to take a chance on himself and his abilities and go for it. In the last month, I've seen a shift in him, a good one. I've seen him regain his fire and I'm so damn proud of him. That being said, this job will require him to be on the road more often, which in turn, puts some wrinkles in our day to day routine. 

The kid's started school last week. I have a first grader who participates in face to face classes five days a week and a middle schooler for which the majority of schooling is online, with a face to face session once every eight days. Brynlee gets out of school at 3:11pm, and with good old rona' lurking around, after school care isn't a thing. Tristan doesn't get out of class until after 3:30pm. On the days Jacob works in town, he can help with that. As for the others, it's all on me. Luckily for me, I work for a company and people who truly care about one another, giving me the ability to alter my work schedule and location to ensure my kid's are taken care of. 

Jacob worked out of town EVERY day last week. If I'm being honest, the separation has been good for us. We talk more, laugh more. We appreciate each other more. But last week, your girl who just a few paragraphs ago said that she embraces change, was doing the exact opposite. I was loathing it... and letting it get the best of me. 

Midweek, I saw my reprieve. Jacob was scheduled to work from home from Friday and I was scheduled off Friday. Since the kids would be in school during the day, it'd give us an opportunity to spend some one on one time together, maybe even go out for coffee together (something we used to do so often and something I clearly took for granted). What's that saying? Man plans, God laughs? Thursday afternoon, Jacob texted me saying he had some work come up for Friday. Whelp, so much for those plans. 

Teamwork makes the dream work. Teamwork is how we get through. He cooks, I clean. He grocery shops, I schedule appointments. I get the kids off to school, he gets them picked up. We tag team laundry. We tag team night bath times and before bed routines. Last week however, it was all me but no worries, your girl got it handled.

 Yet, I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I was destined to fail somewhere. I was reclusive. I was internalizing, quickly becoming upset and beating myself up every step of the way. Other people do this all the time Jess, why are you having such a hard time with it? Jacob is off working to further our family's opportunities, why are you struggling with that? 

If a friend was in my same situation, I'd tell them to give themselves some time. That sometimes when change hits you all at once, it takes a little while to process. That it's okay to feel overwhelmed and it's human. And when life seems like it's trying to knock you down, stand firm and give yourself a little grace. 

Giving yourself grace means giving yourself the kindness you deserve and not being so hard on yourself ; realizing you're doing the best you can do in the given moment. 

Grace may be a day spent in bed, watching chick flicks and indulging in junk food. Grace may be allowing yourself to let the laundry sit another day so you can read another chapter of your book. Grace may be an evening spent on the couch, snuggled up with the kids. Whatever grace looks like to you, gift it to yourself. You'll be grateful when you do. 

Strivin' to Thrive, Even Amongst the Chaos

It's been approximately two months since my last blog post and my oh my, how things have changed in that short time frame. 

We're in quarantine. 
Our kids are schooling from home.
We're working from home.
Our relationships are being tested. 
We're questioning ourselves. We're questioning others. 

It's weird and tough and challenging. And yet, I'm  realizing that it's also a privilege. 

If you don't remember, two months ago, I shared my word for the year 2020: THRIVE. So how am I, with everything that's going on, thriving?

If I'm being honest, I wasn't. I wasn't thriving. I was anxious and scared and I was letting my anxiety and nerves drain the joy out of my day. I was an absolute mess. On day four of quarantine, we said our goodbyes to Brody, our family dog of the last 9 1/2 years. In the following week, I spent most of my time in a daze. I was going through the motions (barely) and mourning the sense of normalcy. I wasn't eating. In a little over a week, I lost 10 pounds. And ya'll, while I've been working to lose weight, that 10 pounds was not lost in a healthy way. I was struggling to find balance between working from home and helping my kids school from home. I was barely communicating with the outside world. I felt so lost. 

On the flip side, I also knew I couldn't allow myself to go on like this forever. So how did I change that?

I'll start by saying, it's not an instant change friends, it's a gradual one. 

For starters, I'm limiting my exposure to social media and the news. Now, I know there is useful information out there and while I like to stay updated, it is also easy to find myself falling down a rabbit hole. Once I'm there, everything seems dark and I spiral. I no longer allow myself to get online in the morning until I've achieved a few things: a shower, brushed teeth, combed hair, clothing, completion of my daily devotional and the consumption of at least a half a cup of coffee. And even then, I only allow myself 10 to 15 minutes to browse the news in the morning. The same thing goes for the evening, at least an hour before I go to bed, no social media, no news. 

Additionally, I've searched to find one thing that I do for myself daily to lift my spirits. It comes in the form of a 30 - 45 minute daily video from Rachel and/or Dave Hollis. If you follow me on Facebook, you'll notice that I've shared a few of their videos recently. If you haven't already, watch them. Y'all, the joy these people project, is amazing. Sometimes the video is a 30 minute jam session, other it's a 30 minute segment touching on an issue we are all dealing with during this quarantine. Either way, as Dave so often says, I AM HERE FOR IT. And P.S. If you have yet to read "Girl, Wash Your Face" or "Girl, Stop Apologizing," do it. Add those babies to your Amazon cart right now. 

I'm also working really hard to take control of my mindset, to find the good in every day. While there are so many things out there that I absolutely cannot control, my mindset is not one of them. It is up to ME and me only, to get there. I can't put that job on my husband, my kids or my friends. This one is on ME. I encourage you to do the same. Even on the days that you're struggling, the days where you are feeling the pressure of working and teaching and keeping house and every thing else that comes with our day to day, I promise you, if you look for the good, you will find it. And the beauty of it, your something good doesn't have to be something elaborate. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture made by someone you know. Often times, the best gifts come in the smallest packages. It's the 30 minutes that you got to spend with your husband before work. It's the laughter you hear from your children as they're running around the house. It's the 20 minutes of sunshine you absorbed while on a walk at lunch. It could also be that it is now 5 days after you obtained your first stellar facial sunburn of the season and your face no longer looks quite like a cherry tomato. 

Friends, we will come out on the other side of this. But let me ask you this, when you come out on the other side, are you going to look back at this time wishing you'd done all you could do to be the best version of yourself and making the most of this time that we've been given or are you going to do the dang thing? 

For those of us that are blessed to be able to work our jobs and still provide for our family during this time, let's be thankful. Not everyone has that privilege. 

For those of us that are lucky enough to be home to assist our kids with their schooling, let's be thankful. Not everyone has that privilege. 

For those of us that have our health, let's be thankful. 

Make time for yourself. Make time for your spouse. Make time for your kids. Take the time to check in on your family and friends. Get out and move your body. Enjoy a beverage on the deck. Take the time to read the book you've been itching to read. Try a new recipe. Be empathetic. Laugh often. Love fiercely. 

Strive to thrive.

Progress Report

Wow y'all, it's been a hot minute (err, three months) since my last blog. We have welcomed a new year and are quickly approaching the end of February. Where has the time gone?

Life these last three months has been the perfect mixture of mundane and adventure. And hey, that's a-okay with me. 

Adventure has taken us to new places, both within the Kansas state lines and outside of them. In November, we took our first family vacation (just the four of us) to visit Jacob's Uncle Paul in Colorado and take in the sights. I'd be lying if I said that Colorado wasn't breathtaking. We wandered and saw so many new things: Estes Park, Rocky Mountain National Park, Pikes Peak, the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. We spent time with family I'd had yet to meet and had the absolute time of our lives. 

We adventured with friends to Teeter rock, located in Butler County. We traveled the back roads, found some mud and made some memories. 

We've spent late nights gathered around a kitchen table, laughing and reminiscing. We've spent Sundays cheering on the Chiefs and indulging in delicious food. We've watched our gaggle of children create chaos all around us.  

On the other hand, we've also experienced nights that have us in bed by 8 o'clock. We've endured stomach bugs and colds. We've binge watched TV shows while snuggled up in front of the fireplace.

And we've loved every single minute. Okay, so maybe not EVERY single minute...like the ones filled with vomiting children. But you get the picture.

In January, I picked a word for 2020, just as I had for 2019. My word? THRIVE. And thriving is exactly what I've been doing. 

I've gotten myself back in a gym routine, going four to five days a week for the last couple of months. I've found classes and instructors that help keep me motivated towards my goal of a healthier me. The group of people in these classes? Amazing. It doesn't matter what physical shape you are in nor the time it takes to complete the tasks at hand, we're all there to support one another. The scale keeps creeping up and while that's daunting and frustrating, I'm trying to spend more time focusing on the things I have accomplished versus tearing myself down for the things I haven't. My clothes are starting to fit differently. I can do ACTUAL push ups. I'm gaining muscle. But most importantly, I feel good. I feel strong. 

I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be present in my relationships with my husband, my kids, my family and my friends. My phone is often kept on silent after the workday or put upstairs while I spend time with my family. It allows me to give them my full focus and pulls me away from the mindless scrolling that is so easy to get lost in. 

I'm continuing to grow in my job. 

I'm working towards self discovery, taking time for myself to learn and grow. 

2020 is about laughing, deep conversations, the adrenaline rush after a good workout. 2020 is for savoring, reflection and adventure. 2020 is for sparkling eyes and finish lines.
2020 is for living, let's do the dang thing.