Not Lost, Just Becoming

 I enter the coffee shop and walk slowly over to the corner booth, sliding quietly onto the bench. When I look across at the table, it is my own eyes that I see staring back at me. For minutes, we sit in silence. A waitress makes her way over to our table, and I can feel the girl's eyes on me as I order - "hot caramel and vanilla latte please, sugar-free syrup."

"Just a water for me, please." She glances over my way. "We drink coffee?" 

I chuckle. "Yes. Sometimes illegal amounts of it." I eye her slightly rounded belly and smile. 

Silence falls again. And it is in silence we sit until the server makes her way over the booth with our drinks. We both take a sip before she asks, "So, do we figure it all out?"

I think for a second before I respond. "Yes and no."

"Are we happy?"

"We have been. We are. And we will be again."

"Do we become who we thought we would?"

"No." She looks disappointed by that answer. "We become someone better."

"How?"

"It's taken us some time, and our fair share of heartache, but we finally understand that life doesn't have to look impressive from the outside to feel right on the inside."

"Do we ever stop caring what people think?"

I laugh. Loudly. "We damn sure try."

"Have we lost people?" 

"Yes."

"Does it hurt?"

I smile as I reply. "More than we thought it could."

"Then why are you smiling?"

"Losing someone doesn't make their part of your story a mistake." My eyes wander, thinking of my Grandma and my mother-in-law, and the ripples felt by those losses. "Some people are chapters. Some people find their way back to you. Others come along and stay."

"Do we become less sensitive?"

"No."

"I thought we might grow out of that."

"We didn't. And surprisingly, one day, we're grateful for that."

"Really?"

"Really. That part of us is our core. The part that stops for sunsets and loves to have a fresh bouquet of flowers on the table. The loud laugh. The way we love with our whole heart."

"Does that get us hurt?"

"Sometimes."

"Then, why?"

"Because, I'd rather be someone who feels, than someone who just gets by."

"Are you proud of me?"

I take her hands, and with tears in my eyes, I answer. "Sweet girl, if you only knew. You're going to survive days you thought would break you. You kept going, even when you wanted to give up. You've had the hard conversations. And you've finally let go."

"Do we ever stop wondering if we're enough?"

"At times."

"Well, that sucks."

I chuckle. "You might be right. But, eventually we realize we don't need to worry ourselves with other's opinions. They're none of our business really."

"What do you wish I knew?"

"That you don't have to rush. That some of things you're afraid you'll miss just aren't meant for you yet. And some of the things you haven't even imagined will become the most beautiful  moments."

"So, what do I do?"

"Keep going. Love hard. Laugh loudly. Take the picture. Stop for the sunset. Say what you mean. Eat the cake. Order the margarita. Take the trip. Live a life that doesn't wait for tomorrow."

"And you? What do you need to remember?"

"That I was once you. That I've survived everything thought I couldn't. That I'm allowed to change my mind. That I'm allowed to want something different."

"Promise me something?"

"Of course."

"Don't forget me."

"I couldn't if I tried."

And maybe that's the real conversation. Younger me reminding present me who I was before the world taught me to doubt myself. Present me reminding younger me that I've made it farther than I ever could have imagined. 

And somewhere, between the two of them, there is a girl who wasn't actually lost. She was just becoming.

I Was Never Meant for Indifference

I haven't been nonchalant a day in my life. 

I stop for sunsets.

I notice wildflowers growing through cracks in the sidewalk. 

I collect little moments like they're souvenirs. 

When I decide you're my people, I don't know how to love halfway. I love with both hands. I remember your birthday, your favorite song, the story you told me months ago that you probably forgot you shared. 

I sing loudly, even when the song deserves better.

I dance without caring who's watching. 

I laugh with my whole body.

I cry when things matter.

I get excited over little things and make something out of nothing because I've always believed that ordinary days deserve a little magic, too.

Maybe I was never meant for indifference.

Maybe I'm meant to feel the sunset a little too deeply, love my people a little too fiercely, and find beauty in places other people just rush past. 

I've never wanted to be the person who could walk through life untouched. 

I want to be moved by it. 

By the sky.

By music. 

By wildflowers.

By memories. 

By people.

Especially by people.

So no, I haven't been nonchalant a day in my life.

And I hope I never am. 🤍

Be A Ruth & Flip the Narrative

Although I've been attending church consistently for about two years now, it is not often I get to sit in on a sermon. I assist with worship, however, during our main session, I assist in our children's church classroom and while I absolutely love it, I recently asked myself - "how can I help these children to feed their faith when I'm not feeding mine in the way it deserves? Last Sunday, I decided I would make it a priority to get to Sunday school this morning, ensuring I could spend some time in His word. 

In Sunday school, they've been studying the story of Ruth. 

After losing her husband, Ruth chose to follow her mother-in-law to a foreign land - an act of faith and courage. Eventually, God blessed her with another husband and a new life. 

But here's something that stood out to me: Ruth questioned God, asking "Why me?" Not because everything was falling apart, but because things were falling into place. 

How often do we only ask "why me?" in the valleys of life - during the loss, the struggle, the pain?

What if we flipped the narrative? What if we began asking "why me?" when blessings come? 

• "Why me, Lord, to be able-bodied and able minded?"
• "Why me, to receive that unexpected kindness or compliment?"
• "Why me, to be chosen for this opportunity, this joy, this season?"

Gratitude grows when we recognize that even on the mountaintops, God's grace is intentional. So today, I'm choosing to ask "Why me, Lord?" not in doubt, but in awe. 

2023: Oh What a Year!

 It's December 31st, 2023. Only one day remains in the year, and dang, what a year it's been! There is so much that we crammed into this year, it's hard to even know where to begin (or end for that matter). 

Do you remember my last blog post? The one where I mentioned we were moving into our fifth wheel on my father in law's property? Well, it happened. And man, what an invigorating change. We lived so much life inside and outside of those walls. Nights were spent with family and friends on the patio out front, the same patio that served as the dance floor at our wedding in 2010. Shortly after moving onto the property, we made the decision to purchase a ranger side by side. While I scoffed at the price of such an investment, we've spent countless nights cruising around, making memories that I will hold onto for the rest of my life.

In March, we traveled with some of our dearest friends to Crystal Beach, TX, to spend spring break at Camp Margaritaville. That trip, such an adventure! An hour out from our destination, Jacob's truck lost a tire (while pulling the camper), which resulted in a smashed bedside and some cosmetic damage to the camper's skirting. Thank goodness for our tribe, who not only pulled our home on wheels the remaining length of the way, but who also re-arranged plans to accommodate us getting a rental car and  watched kids while we dealt with the dealership. And while that part was chaos, we also crammed so much fun into that trip - visiting Nasa, enduring chilly nights for outdoor concerts, games of sharks and minnows in the pool. 

A month after our trip to Texas, and after living in the camper for eight months, we were able to make a family dream come true by purchasing Jacob's grandparent's property, which sits one property south of my father in law. The date was April 20th, 2023.

We've spent the last eight months transforming this home into a home of our own. We've spent countless hours tearing down wallpaper and painting, scraping ceilings and re-texturing, ripping up carpet and putting down new floors. Every single minute has been worth it. We've already lived so much life within these walls (and outside of them) and are looking forward to creating many more over the years. 

And as amazing as 2023 has been, that's not to say it hasn't come with it's share of struggles. After taking a new job in leadership in 2022, I was moved to another department in January of 2023. Never one to back down from a challenge, I dug my heels in and gave it everything I had. Unfortunately, I found that I was losing myself in the process. I'd worked my tail off my entire career to climb the ladder and was dang proud of the process I'd made, but my anxiety was at an all time high and I was beginning to lose sight of what truly mattered as I allowed that anxiety to steal my joy. As scary and it was, I knew that if I wanted change for myself, I had to take the bull by the horns and work towards exactly that. 

As of October 16th, I am the Patient Care Coordinator at our local med spa, Skin Studio. A dear friend of mine shot me a text when the position opened, encouraging me to apply. Having to submit an introductory video of myself almost put me off, however, I went for it and was called in for an interview. When I walked into the office the day of my interview, I immediately felt a shift and after meeting the staff, knew that the atmosphere that what exactly the change I needed. I haven't looked back since.

Day by day, I feel the joy and drive returning within me. 

As for 2024, it's going to be my year. My goal? Rediscovery. Rediscovering the best version of myself. Holding tight to my family. Feeding my faith. Building habits. Writing again. Reading. Sunset cruises around the property. Late nights with friends. 2024 I'm coming for you, are you ready? 

Counting Stars & Lightning Bugs

It's been seven months since my last post. Winter has come and gone, as has spring and we're now full fledge into a good ol' Kansas summer. And life? It's been a little bit of a whirlwind. 

This next week will mark the end of an amazing chapter and will send us full throttle into the beginning of another. One that I'm currently looking at with equal parts of excitement and anxiety, while putting my trust in His plan, even when I'm unsure of what the future may bring. 

Jacob and I have both accepted positions with Clearwave Fiber, which offers both business and residential fiber service throughout the Midwest and Southeast regions of the United States. The office for the Kansas region is currently located in Baldwin City but will be moving to the Gardner area in the future. 

So what does this mean for us? 

When we'd first accepted our new positions, we were gung-ho for digging up our roots and replanting them in a new town. We've both grown up in the Emporia area and while there is no doubt that it's been a great place to raise a family, we both felt a little restless, like a move just might be exactly what the doctor ordered. 

We spoke with a family friend and got a recommendation for a realtor in the KC area, knowing that we needed to start our search sooner rather than later and jumped in headfirst. The first couple of properties we looked at didn't quite fit the bill of what we were looking for and while we were discouraged, we knew that it was going to be rare to find a house that felt like a home within our first few days of searching. So we continued on. And by golly, we found it (or so we thought) in Linwood, KS. 

The home was beautiful, completely remodeled to our taste, and sat on a private lake.  There was plenty of room for both our family and any visitors. We initially looked at the house on our own, however, since it was vacant, we were able to go back with the kids later that evening to see what they thought. They too fell in love. And let me tell you, trying to get any excitement out of a teenage boy these days is dang near impossible. So Jacob and I talked on it and decided to go all in and put an offer in on the house, adrenaline and nerves running through our veins. And then, the wait began. 

We waited, and waited, and waited. And due to lack in communication (on the seller's end), we lost out on it. And while we were pretty bummed, we decided that just meant it wasn't meant to be and something bigger and better would come along. So we continued on our search.

In the midst of our search, we decided to spend a week at the lake after work. It was our way to get away and decompress, finding relaxation amongst chaos. It was on one of those evenings that Jacob and I found ourselves side by side in our chairs, equally conversing and losing ourselves in the quiet. There was a point in our conversation where I began to spiral, spewing any and every worry that came to my mind as I tend to do when I'm feeling anxious. My husband, in true Jacob fashion, then spit our out one of his humbling, reassuring thoughts: "Me and you babe, we've got this. Whatever comes our way, we'll get through. But we can't forget to take the time to stop and watch the lightning bugs."

We looked at about 10 houses before we were getting exhausted in our search, even increasing our budget in hopes that something great would come along. Bigger budget or not, we still weren't finding anything else we were sold on. We're pretty spoiled by our current setup; a big house, an over-sized detached garage, a big yard and room to park our 43' camper and 19' boat plus all four of our vehicles in the driveway and truth be told, while we realized we were shooting for the stars, we weren't ready to give up on our wants and settle for something we know we'd be unhappy with shortly after we moved ourselves in. Nor did we want to settle into a new town, unsure of whether or not that was were we truly wanted to be. Pair that with the impending school year and bam, my stress level immediately went through the roof. And did I forget to mention that we'd put our house on the market in the midst of all of this and had it sold within a day and a half? Huh, silly me. 

So here we are, a couple of days away from starting my new career (him a month into it),school enrollment is upon us, and we close on our house in exactly 18 days. And our plan is....?

***DRUMROLL PLEASE***

To move into our camper. On the farm. In rural Emporia. Commuting every day to our new jobs.

I can see your faces now. 

Listen folks, I get it. Because truth be told, my face often mimics the above GIF. We've been back and forth so many times, giving not only ourselves but those who have so graciously been our sounding boards these last few months, emotional whiplash. But when it came down to it, we weren't quite ready to leave this all behind.

Our family is here. Our tribe is here. Lord knows we'll have to lean on all of them now more than ever. But the beautiful thing? They've already offered to sacrifice their own time to help us out in any way they can, no questions asked. We're raising our babies together. Laughing together. Crying together. Loving together. 

And to the family who will now reside in 223 S East St, I hope you love it just as much as we have. Our first step into that house felt like home. We were two kids chasing a dream, and man, what a beautiful dream. Our daughter took her first steps in that kitchen. Our son knocked out his teeth while wrestling with his buddies on the trampoline. Our framily formed itself around us on the Southside. The kitchen has hosted endless dinners and game nights, dance parties too. I've watched the last 3 Carolina NCAA championship games in the garage, which has also been the battle ground for several car projects. The basement has held family movie nights and been the scene of too many tickle fights. A home where every kid who walked in knew exactly where to find the snack cabinet and wasn't afraid to fall asleep on the couch. A home where friends could come to just simply "be."

I could go on and on about about how much I'll miss this home, but I won't. Because I'm already fighting back tears thinking of what we're leaving behind. And as for what the future holds for us in regards to a house, we're not sure yet. Maybe this is how we get around to building our dream home on acreage. Maybe we only survive a month and we're back to house hunting. Maybe we stay in Emporia. Maybe we don't. 

As for now, we're removing the noise ; you can find us counting the stars and lightning bugs. 

 

2022: The Year of Intention

 In 2019, I picked a word for the year. However, while I believed it to be a neat concept, I didn't truly embrace the idea of letting that word help set the tone for those 365 days. So, with 2022 right around the corner, I've decided to give it another go, whole-heartedly this time. 

As for the word? 

You can see the definition of intentional above. That's how I'm choosing to live out the next year, in all aspects of life. 

Intentional in relationships: Date nights with Jacob. One on one time with Tristan and Brynlee. Family game nights. Girl's nights. Dinner with family. Impromptu late nights with friends. Being present in togetherness, no matter who it's with. 

Physically intentional: Setting a weekly workout goal and a daily step goal. Making better food choices. Taking the stairs. Letting go of my idea of a perfect body image. 

Intentional in self-care: Taking time to do things that fuel my spirit. Writing. Losing myself in a good book. Sleeping in. Limiting social media. 

Intentional living: Traveling. Taking more pictures. Saying both yes and no to busy schedules and truly embracing it. Spontaneous adventure. Kitchen karaoke sessions. 

Spiritual intention: Daily devotions. Prayer. Gratitude. Exploration of faith.  

What about you? Do you have a word for 2022? 

Xo, 

Jess 

Girl, sweet girl.

I started writing as a kid and while I've moved on to the occasional blog post, poems were where it truly began. 

Words were tumbling around in my head today, so I put pen to paper. It was refreshing, like coffee over conversation with an old friend. 

Listen to the rain as it falls, 

the thunder as it rumbles across the sky. 

Breathe it in and let it sit, 

as the tears fall from your eyes. 

And then, 

chin up sweet girl. 

Don't let it win. 

You write and narrate your own story, 

it was never about them. 

Take a look at what's in front of you, 

as miniscule as the moments may seem, 

push out the darkness, 

allow the sunlight to gleam.

Stand in your own corner and be your own fan. 

Sweet girl, 

believe me when I say you can. 

You can do hard things. 

And while you may not feel it in the moment, I promise you one day,

you'll be standing on the mountaintop,

looking down on from where you came, 

and you'll laugh. 

Maniacally so. 

For in that moment you'll realize that you've overcome all you ever believed to stand in your way. 

It may not have always been pretty, 

it may have broken you a time or two,

but girl, sweet girl, 

you made it through.

Girl, Give Yourself a Breather & Take It In

 I laughed today. Man, did I laugh today. 

It all began at Walmart. Yeah that's right, Walmart. Jacob and I headed off to the good ole Wally World after work today to get our shopping for this weekend taken care of. Mandey, my BFF, was also there, as we'd collaboratively made a list of things we would need for our long weekend at the lake and hatched a plan to get it packed up this evening so that remainder of the week could be smooth sailing for all of us (lawdy, I hope I didn't jinx us all by making that prediction). 

If any of you have seen the three of us together than you can agree that we're quite the trio and always up to some sort of shenanigans. In no time, we were up to our normal antics. Heading toward the pet department, Mandey and I (mainly I), were quickly derailed at the summer aisle. After all, you never know what you might need for a weekend at the lake. After perusing the aisle and picking up a $3 pack of temporary tattoos for the kids, we headed back in our original direction to find Jacob, only to find him already headed back our way. As we turned in the middle of the aisle to head back the other direction, Jacob quickly took the lead ahead of us and was hustling to the other side of the store. Challenge accepted. As I watched my husband and my best friend compete for the lead, no doubt pulling out silly tactics to knock the other one out along the way, I started laughing. And when I say laughing, I mean full on giggles. You'd be pleased to know that these shenanigans continued for the entirety of the trip ; Jacob racing ahead to check items off the list and us forgetting something, or getting sidetracked by a shiny object. 

We made our way to the checkout line and fear not, shenanigans again ensued. On Jacob and I's list was a plethora of produce, so Mandey was done checking out well before us, leading her to begin to pull items from my cart at lightening speed. The woman working the self checkout lines began to laugh and said, "I didn't know that how things worked." My response, "It's our MO. If you only knew."

We all got back to the house and unloaded our weekend supplies. After chatting for awhile, we all decided it was time for dinner and went our separate ways. 

After an hour long shopping trip, neither Chef Boyardee or myself were motivated to find or prepare dinner, so we left it up to the kid's to decide on what they'd like. After a short debate, KFC was crowned the winner and we drove through the drive-thru for their famous family feast. 

Sitting at the table, Bryn quickly made her way through her mashed potatoes and moved on to her chicken wing. However, before eating it, she asked the chicken to forgive her for what she was about to do. That's right y'all, my seven year old asked her crispy chicken to forgive her. She didn't want it to feel hurt by her tearing off it's crispy, fried skin. Tristan then responds, "you know it's dead...right?" HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER. Our conversation continued, with Tristan explaining to his sister that chickens continue to run around, even after their heads are removed from their body. Jacob also jumped right in, making a gaggle of dad jokes which revolved around chicken. 

Y'all, I couldn't make this up if I tried. The four of us were laughing so hard that we cried, completed with tears running down our face and the ever hilarious snorting. Good grief, my sides hurt. I feel like I've run a marathon, complete with an ab workout. But I'd be lying if I said tonight wasn't exactly what I needed. 

You see, this year has been a tough one for me, mentally. There were times I missed out on what was right in front of me because I was too full of anxiety or anger. But tonight, I feel so much lighter. 

The bills, the stress, the chaos? In some shape or form, they're always going to be there. Time on the other hand? You won't get it back. So take it and treasure it. Live it up. Soak it in. 

Indulge in laughter. As I did just that tonight, I realized that the laugh I give Tristan such a hard time for, it's an extension of me. Our high pitched shrill when we are tickled pink may be loud but it's also contagious. 

Set your alarm for 4:50am and meet your friends at the track on the other side of town, no matter how much you want to hit your snooze button. Get your steps in, take some time for you. 

Listen to your husband snoring in the bedroom off the kitchen, where you're currently writing your blog and instead of being annoyed, be grateful for the partner you have in him, a hard worker and a man who loves with everything he has. 

Let your seven year old daughter climb into your bed to fall asleep. And when she's thrashing around, pull her close and take in her scent. She won't be little forever Momma, hang on to it while you can. 

The laundry can sit another day. That email can wait for a response. The cleaning can be done tomorrow. And the weight you're carrying around, feeling like you're not good enough or put together enough, or accomplishing enough? Let it go. 

Girl, give yourself a breather, take it in and recharge.

This One's for the Girls

This one is dedicated to my ladies, without whom I wouldn't survive most days. 

I read a quote earlier which read, "the only rose without thorns is friendship." My immediate thoughts? What a load of crap. 

Deep, real friendships? They require work. They require forgiveness. They require sacrifice. And while I've had a friend who has stood by my side the last 16 years, it's only been within the last 5 or 6 that I've truly found a group of ladies that I feel like I'll continue to laugh and learn with for many years to come.

Mandey's been one of my best friends since high school and out of all my friends, is the one I've been through the most $h!t with. We've both stood together on mountaintops and trudged through the trenches, our friendship now stronger because of it.

Kayla came into my life unexpectedly, while on a date with one of my best guy friends. From that, an unexpected friendship blossomed. In the 6 years we've know one another, we've stood side by side through triumph and tragedy. 

Tricia (and her husband Derek) went to school with my husband. When they moved into our neighborhood 5 years ago, our lives quickly intertwined and  an incredible friendship began to grow. She's the gal I can always count on for an impromptu karaoke session and man, can she sing!

Lisa and I have crossed paths several times in our lives. From working in the same building (her at the bank and me at Subway) to our kids growing up together, it's been shared friendships and the last few years that have truly brought us together. 

Ashley first came into my life as a friend of a friend and I'll be honest, I didn't know how to read her at first. But now, I'm grateful for the work we've both put in to get where we are today. And while I know I'm from the South, I swear this girl was too in a past life! She's sassy and I love it!

We're loud. We act crazy together. For example, a recent excursion to a Wichita Target which if witnessed on any security footage will have people thinking "she gone" when in all actuality, not a drop of alcohol had been consumed that day. 

We laugh, A LOT. Nothing compares to the stomachache I get after laughing with them. We have inside jokes; hey Mandey - remember that time we planted an already dead plant just so we didn't dispose of it in front of Jacob? 

We converse almost daily, and across several platforms, about anything and everything. We talk about rough days at work and workout plans. We talk about books and movies and TV shows, about future plans and vacation. We're also all very strong willed and independent, which can mean that our opinions are not always the same. And yet, this often leads to deeper conversations and changing perspectives. 

We've cried together, multiple times. Because....life. We can be honest with each other when we're struggling. 

Our friendship doesn't pressure. It's an open invitation to be authentically you, whatever that may look like.  We know each other's weakness, and strive to focus to each other's strengths. 

Our friendship isn't made up of a bunch of big things, but more so, a bunch of little ones. It's full of: 

• text conversations constructed of only GIFs 
• porch beers on random nights
• play dates 
• a girls night in complete with adult lunchables, wine and laughter (or watching Steel Magnolias because a certain person, AHEM..Kayla, hadn't seen it yet)
• cheering each other on in whatever things we are doing

Let's face it, with everything going on in the world today, we need each other, even on days we don't want to admit it. 

And whether or not we want to admit it, we're not perfect, not a single one of us. We've hurt each other's feelings a time or two. We've called each other on our crap. In the moment it may have burned and felt raw, but it's also lead us down a path of understanding. It's allowed us to grow, to strengthen our bond. 

These ladies have taught me that we don't need to try so hard. We don't always have to look put together or have our ducks in a row. Let's face it, my ducks are almost indefinitely NOT in a row. They've helped me to find the balance between being there for others but knowing that I also need to show up for myself. 

Choose the friends who are choosing you. Love the friends that love you. And tell them, shout it from the damn rooftop. Because fierce lady friendships, they're hard to beat. 

Another beautiful thing? There's always room for more, in both our horseshoe (because as Glennon Doyle says, "leave space, always leave space") and our hearts. 

 

Unpacking My Bag in 2021

I'll be honest in saying that 2020 has been equal parts invigorating and exhausting. It's refreshed me in ways that I never thought possible and yet, just a couple weeks out from a new year, I am feeling more drained than ever ; both physically and emotionally. 

I stumbled across an Instagram post yesterday from Jana Kramer, who mentioned that in a therapy session, her therapist read her a story in regards to letting go and moving away from things that aren't serving you anymore. And I'm not going to lie, there are probably dozens of similar posts that have been made and that I've seen, but yesterday, as I was tired and mad and hurting, it really resonated with me. What am I hanging onto that is no longer serving me? Unfortunately, those answers come a little too easily to me: anger, resentment, hurt, perception.

Anger with myself for allowing things to effect me in the way that I've let them, sneaking in and stealing joy from things that would normally bring me so much happiness. Anger in the way I've handled certain situations, letting things get the best of me. Anger is heavy. LET. IT. GO.

Resentfulness and hurt are two bitter pills which go in hand in hand. Their result? A hardened heart. Am I wrong in saying that when you feel as if you've been treated badly or hurt, your first instinct is to hurt back? And yet, two wrongs don't make a right. Bad things happen. But maybe, instead of letting those bad things loom like a darkened cloud over our heads, we should learn to use them to appreciate the light. Resentment and hurt don't change things. Instead they put a dimmer lens on the present. 

Perception, life is all about perception. How we view things, negatively or positively, will ultimately have an effect on the way we see ourselves and the way we see others. A unrealistic perception I've set for myself is outward appearance. By this I mean that I've always struggled with the fact that if I don't look "put together" or "ideal" then I'm failing. In the new year, I hope to take a step back and remind myself that I don't have to have it all down to succeed. Not having the time to make homemade treats for every class party does not make me a failure as a mother. Not looking like the girl two treadmills down from me at the gym doesn't invalidate my goals. That being said, I also need to change my perception towards others. Their opinions being different than mine doesn't invalidate them either, it doesn't make them wrong. In fact, I'm slowly realizing that difference in opinion has lead to some deep and meaningful conversations, ones that I may not have had otherwise. Another perception I've embedded within myself is the inability to say no. I fear that saying no to an opportunity or an invitation may hurt others, not realizing that most often the person that gets hurt is myself or my family. So in turn, I'm working towards saying no just as often, maybe more, than I say yes. Saying no will bring me more time with my family. Saying no will allow life to present new opportunities, new adventures. Saying no will lessen anxieties brought on by crammed schedules and expectations. It will make way for time doing the things that I want, that my family wants. And sometimes that thing is to do absolutely NOTHING. 

So there you have it, the things I hope to unpack from my bag in 2021: anger, resentment, hurt and perception. But I'm also hoping to take that open space in my bag and fill it with things that DO serve me. 

Faith.

Kindness.

Humility.

Forgiveness.

Inner peace.

Patience. 

What's in your bag? 

Girl, Give Yourself Some Grace

 

Dangit ya'll, times can be trying. And goodness knows, I'm the gal who internalizes, internalizes, internalizes. Until I can't anymore and that's when.... 

poop hits the fan. 

Life is full of changes. In fact, change is one of the constants of life. Your girl, she embraces change. It gets me excited. It gets my mind going. In some ways it recharges me. 

For those of you who don't know, Jacob took a new job since my last blog post. It's an opportunity that has laid in wait for these last few years and a few months ago, he decided to take a chance on himself and his abilities and go for it. In the last month, I've seen a shift in him, a good one. I've seen him regain his fire and I'm so damn proud of him. That being said, this job will require him to be on the road more often, which in turn, puts some wrinkles in our day to day routine. 

The kid's started school last week. I have a first grader who participates in face to face classes five days a week and a middle schooler for which the majority of schooling is online, with a face to face session once every eight days. Brynlee gets out of school at 3:11pm, and with good old rona' lurking around, after school care isn't a thing. Tristan doesn't get out of class until after 3:30pm. On the days Jacob works in town, he can help with that. As for the others, it's all on me. Luckily for me, I work for a company and people who truly care about one another, giving me the ability to alter my work schedule and location to ensure my kid's are taken care of. 

Jacob worked out of town EVERY day last week. If I'm being honest, the separation has been good for us. We talk more, laugh more. We appreciate each other more. But last week, your girl who just a few paragraphs ago said that she embraces change, was doing the exact opposite. I was loathing it... and letting it get the best of me. 

Midweek, I saw my reprieve. Jacob was scheduled to work from home from Friday and I was scheduled off Friday. Since the kids would be in school during the day, it'd give us an opportunity to spend some one on one time together, maybe even go out for coffee together (something we used to do so often and something I clearly took for granted). What's that saying? Man plans, God laughs? Thursday afternoon, Jacob texted me saying he had some work come up for Friday. Whelp, so much for those plans. 

Teamwork makes the dream work. Teamwork is how we get through. He cooks, I clean. He grocery shops, I schedule appointments. I get the kids off to school, he gets them picked up. We tag team laundry. We tag team night bath times and before bed routines. Last week however, it was all me but no worries, your girl got it handled.

 Yet, I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I was destined to fail somewhere. I was reclusive. I was internalizing, quickly becoming upset and beating myself up every step of the way. Other people do this all the time Jess, why are you having such a hard time with it? Jacob is off working to further our family's opportunities, why are you struggling with that? 

If a friend was in my same situation, I'd tell them to give themselves some time. That sometimes when change hits you all at once, it takes a little while to process. That it's okay to feel overwhelmed and it's human. And when life seems like it's trying to knock you down, stand firm and give yourself a little grace. 

Giving yourself grace means giving yourself the kindness you deserve and not being so hard on yourself ; realizing you're doing the best you can do in the given moment. 

Grace may be a day spent in bed, watching chick flicks and indulging in junk food. Grace may be allowing yourself to let the laundry sit another day so you can read another chapter of your book. Grace may be an evening spent on the couch, snuggled up with the kids. Whatever grace looks like to you, gift it to yourself. You'll be grateful when you do. 

Strivin' to Thrive, Even Amongst the Chaos

It's been approximately two months since my last blog post and my oh my, how things have changed in that short time frame. 

We're in quarantine. 
Our kids are schooling from home.
We're working from home.
Our relationships are being tested. 
We're questioning ourselves. We're questioning others. 

It's weird and tough and challenging. And yet, I'm  realizing that it's also a privilege. 

If you don't remember, two months ago, I shared my word for the year 2020: THRIVE. So how am I, with everything that's going on, thriving?

If I'm being honest, I wasn't. I wasn't thriving. I was anxious and scared and I was letting my anxiety and nerves drain the joy out of my day. I was an absolute mess. On day four of quarantine, we said our goodbyes to Brody, our family dog of the last 9 1/2 years. In the following week, I spent most of my time in a daze. I was going through the motions (barely) and mourning the sense of normalcy. I wasn't eating. In a little over a week, I lost 10 pounds. And ya'll, while I've been working to lose weight, that 10 pounds was not lost in a healthy way. I was struggling to find balance between working from home and helping my kids school from home. I was barely communicating with the outside world. I felt so lost. 

On the flip side, I also knew I couldn't allow myself to go on like this forever. So how did I change that?

I'll start by saying, it's not an instant change friends, it's a gradual one. 

For starters, I'm limiting my exposure to social media and the news. Now, I know there is useful information out there and while I like to stay updated, it is also easy to find myself falling down a rabbit hole. Once I'm there, everything seems dark and I spiral. I no longer allow myself to get online in the morning until I've achieved a few things: a shower, brushed teeth, combed hair, clothing, completion of my daily devotional and the consumption of at least a half a cup of coffee. And even then, I only allow myself 10 to 15 minutes to browse the news in the morning. The same thing goes for the evening, at least an hour before I go to bed, no social media, no news. 

Additionally, I've searched to find one thing that I do for myself daily to lift my spirits. It comes in the form of a 30 - 45 minute daily video from Rachel and/or Dave Hollis. If you follow me on Facebook, you'll notice that I've shared a few of their videos recently. If you haven't already, watch them. Y'all, the joy these people project, is amazing. Sometimes the video is a 30 minute jam session, other it's a 30 minute segment touching on an issue we are all dealing with during this quarantine. Either way, as Dave so often says, I AM HERE FOR IT. And P.S. If you have yet to read "Girl, Wash Your Face" or "Girl, Stop Apologizing," do it. Add those babies to your Amazon cart right now. 

I'm also working really hard to take control of my mindset, to find the good in every day. While there are so many things out there that I absolutely cannot control, my mindset is not one of them. It is up to ME and me only, to get there. I can't put that job on my husband, my kids or my friends. This one is on ME. I encourage you to do the same. Even on the days that you're struggling, the days where you are feeling the pressure of working and teaching and keeping house and every thing else that comes with our day to day, I promise you, if you look for the good, you will find it. And the beauty of it, your something good doesn't have to be something elaborate. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture made by someone you know. Often times, the best gifts come in the smallest packages. It's the 30 minutes that you got to spend with your husband before work. It's the laughter you hear from your children as they're running around the house. It's the 20 minutes of sunshine you absorbed while on a walk at lunch. It could also be that it is now 5 days after you obtained your first stellar facial sunburn of the season and your face no longer looks quite like a cherry tomato. 

Friends, we will come out on the other side of this. But let me ask you this, when you come out on the other side, are you going to look back at this time wishing you'd done all you could do to be the best version of yourself and making the most of this time that we've been given or are you going to do the dang thing? 

For those of us that are blessed to be able to work our jobs and still provide for our family during this time, let's be thankful. Not everyone has that privilege. 

For those of us that are lucky enough to be home to assist our kids with their schooling, let's be thankful. Not everyone has that privilege. 

For those of us that have our health, let's be thankful. 

Make time for yourself. Make time for your spouse. Make time for your kids. Take the time to check in on your family and friends. Get out and move your body. Enjoy a beverage on the deck. Take the time to read the book you've been itching to read. Try a new recipe. Be empathetic. Laugh often. Love fiercely. 

Strive to thrive.

Progress Report

Wow y'all, it's been a hot minute (err, three months) since my last blog. We have welcomed a new year and are quickly approaching the end of February. Where has the time gone?

Life these last three months has been the perfect mixture of mundane and adventure. And hey, that's a-okay with me. 

Adventure has taken us to new places, both within the Kansas state lines and outside of them. In November, we took our first family vacation (just the four of us) to visit Jacob's Uncle Paul in Colorado and take in the sights. I'd be lying if I said that Colorado wasn't breathtaking. We wandered and saw so many new things: Estes Park, Rocky Mountain National Park, Pikes Peak, the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. We spent time with family I'd had yet to meet and had the absolute time of our lives. 

We adventured with friends to Teeter rock, located in Butler County. We traveled the back roads, found some mud and made some memories. 

We've spent late nights gathered around a kitchen table, laughing and reminiscing. We've spent Sundays cheering on the Chiefs and indulging in delicious food. We've watched our gaggle of children create chaos all around us.  

On the other hand, we've also experienced nights that have us in bed by 8 o'clock. We've endured stomach bugs and colds. We've binge watched TV shows while snuggled up in front of the fireplace.

And we've loved every single minute. Okay, so maybe not EVERY single minute...like the ones filled with vomiting children. But you get the picture.

In January, I picked a word for 2020, just as I had for 2019. My word? THRIVE. And thriving is exactly what I've been doing. 

I've gotten myself back in a gym routine, going four to five days a week for the last couple of months. I've found classes and instructors that help keep me motivated towards my goal of a healthier me. The group of people in these classes? Amazing. It doesn't matter what physical shape you are in nor the time it takes to complete the tasks at hand, we're all there to support one another. The scale keeps creeping up and while that's daunting and frustrating, I'm trying to spend more time focusing on the things I have accomplished versus tearing myself down for the things I haven't. My clothes are starting to fit differently. I can do ACTUAL push ups. I'm gaining muscle. But most importantly, I feel good. I feel strong. 

I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be present in my relationships with my husband, my kids, my family and my friends. My phone is often kept on silent after the workday or put upstairs while I spend time with my family. It allows me to give them my full focus and pulls me away from the mindless scrolling that is so easy to get lost in. 

I'm continuing to grow in my job. 

I'm working towards self discovery, taking time for myself to learn and grow. 

2020 is about laughing, deep conversations, the adrenaline rush after a good workout. 2020 is for savoring, reflection and adventure. 2020 is for sparkling eyes and finish lines.
2020 is for living, let's do the dang thing.