Wherever you are, be all there.

Y'all, I'm baaaaaack. 

It's been five months since my last blog post. My hiatus had a lot to do with what I was trying to focus on during that time - being present. 

Let's be honest, we're all guilty of it. One minute we're enjoying time with our spouses, our kids, our friends or our families and the next, we've been mindlessly browsing social media for an hour, pinning dinner recipes and seeing what the rest of the world has chosen to share. 

Heaven knows, I'm terrible about it. For me, I think I justified this as my "me time." My time to not really have to think about anything, to just have a moment to myself. But those "moments" turned into 20 minute, 30 minute, hour long intervals of time. I'd go from browsing Facebook, to browsing the housing market, to scrolling through Pinterest and Twitter. And while I felt decompressed, I was missing out on more important things and moments quickly slipped away that I couldn't get back. 

I started small. On days that I would go with Jacob to lunch, I'd leave my cell phone behind at the office. I owe that hour to him. Mornings and evenings both have the tendency to be a little chaotic in our household. Mornings are spent juggling between getting ourselves and two kids ready to head out the door for the day. Evenings are just as bad, if not worse. Does Tristan have homework? Do we need to go grocery shopping? The house needs picked up. What's for dinner? Followed by family time, bath-time &  bedtime, all which seem rushed more often than not. 

Now, there are days when I leave my phone tucked in my purse or upstairs on my nightstand from the time I walk in the door, until the time I plug it in to charge before I go to bed [so friends, on the nights that it may take me hours to respond to a text message, it's nothing personal, I promise]. 

I owe it to my husband to be present. My kids. My family. My friends. But most of all, I owe it to myself. 

I blinked and Tristan is 11. 

Brynlee is in preschool. 

Jacob and I have struggled and triumphed through 13 years together. 

My friends are married and starting families. 

Exciting things are happening within my immediate family. 

And I want to be present in every moment of that. 

Because of it, I hear the silly songs my daughter parades around singing . I hear the excitement register in Tristan's voice when he talks about playing football or tells me about his friends. I laugh more due to my husband's corny, but also clever dad jokes. I get lost in a book. I smile more with my friends. I truly relax.

I'd be lying if I said I succeed every day. Because I don't. Like everything else in life, It's a constant work in progress. But I'm seeing the benefits, so I'll keep on keeping on. 

The End of An Era

Tuesday marks the end of an era. The end of a decade. The end of my twenties. 

It's strange. I literally feel as if I was just counting down the days to my twenty first birthday. And now, I've blinked. Thirty is right on the other side of the door, staring me in the face. 

But as weird as it feels, looking back on the last ten years, there is so much to be proud of. So much progress made within myself, my relationship and my life. And the good times, well they always managed to outweigh the bad. 

At twenty, Jacob and I went out on our own and found the apartment that was our first home together. There were days when I didn't know if we could juggle the responsibilities of parenthood, working and paving our own way. But we managed. We got our first family pet that year too, Tati, our rescue dog. 

At twenty one, I started what I felt was my first "big girl job." It was the first job I'd worked where I was able to gain benefits such as insurance and vacation time. I worked that job for five and a half years. It helped me obtain a lot of the skills that I have today. 

At twenty two, Jacob and I got married. We'd been engaged for two and a half years. I can't tell you how many times I heard, 'You're only twenty two, you've got the rest of your lives to live." But when you know, you know. 

At twenty three, we bought our first home together. Oh, the good ol' Belmont. We'd searched for houses off and on for awhile when we stumbled across a for sale sign in the yard of a trailer while driving around. I grew up in that trailer park. At first I wasn't sure about taking residence in it again, but after meeting with the gentleman who was selling it, Larry and taking a look inside, we knew we could turn it into a good home for us. That house saw a lot of memories. Many evenings were spent with friends and family, talking on the front deck or hanging out around the fire pit. It was the house we brought Brynlee home too. 

At twenty five, after over a year of trying, Jacob and I found out we were expecting our second child. I still remember sitting on the bathroom floor, looking at the plus sign that had formed on the pregnancy test. I remember looking at Jacob and saying, "This isn't right. This can't be right," to which he replied, "Jessica, we've been trying for this. It's right. Believe it. Celebrate it."

At twenty six, Brynlee was born. And although she made her entrance into this world seven weeks early, and times were trying, with her, our family felt complete. At twenty six, Jacob and I took a dream and made it a reality. It was that summer that we bought our current house. A house that we drove past several times and talked of how perfect it would be for our family. A house that is perfect for our family. 

At twenty seven, I left my job of five and a half years, and began my time at Valu-Net. Some people look at me like I'm crazy when they learn that Jacob and I work together, but it's a change I'm glad I made. Never would i have imagined the relationships that I've built in the last three years. Never would I have imagined the knowledge that I have gained. 

Those are some of the big ones. But there's also all the moments in between that made me thankful for this life that I have. 

It was during this time that I met new friends, some of which I have no doubts, I will be laughing with when I'm old and grey. 

I saw my mom get remarried and with that, our family grew. 

I've seen both of my brothers graduate college and move towards building their careers. 

I became an aunt, time and time again. 

I rode on a motorcycle for the first time. 

I mixed up hamburgers and pattied them on my own for the very first time... and I'm going to be honest. That was only Sunday!

I got my first, second and third tattoos.

I started blogging again. 


And with the good times, come the hard ones. I watched Jacob and his sisters lose their mom. A woman who welcomed me with open arms from the first day I met her. A woman who always helped you to find the sunshine in the rain. A woman, for lack of better words, who was simply outstanding.  

I lost my Grandma. 

My marriage struggled too. Lack of communication spiraled into some tough times. But without that struggle, I don't know that we would be where we are today. I feel like we are in a better place than we've ever been. 


I went through a bout with anxiety. And while I never saw anyone about it, I was able to get through with a LOT of help from my husband and friends. It affected me in ways that I never could of imagined. I questioned everything: myself and my way of thinking. I over-analyzed. I got angry. I would randomly burst into tears. And I think the scariest part of it for me was the fact that I could never actually PINPOINT what was wrong, I just felt as if I was always in a state of upheaval.

I don't think that it's the number thirty that actually bothers me or scares me. It's the fact that I know that along with thirty, comes some changes within our family. In August, Tristan will begin his first year in middle school and Brynlee will start pre-school. A few months ago, Jacob and I made the decision to close the door on having any more children. In my heart of hearts, I know it was the best choice for us and I don't regret it, but the finality of it all is hard to grasp at times. 

And to close it off, I thought I'd update everyone on my "30 Before 30" which unintentionally is going to become a "35 Before 35....." 

1. Start writing again, for me. To explore the possibilities of starting a blog and getting my thoughts out in hopes that it can help me find an outlet on days like today, to find my way back to something I am very passionate about and maybe, just maybe, help some other people through days like today.  I have continued to work on this blog & will continue to do so. Even though there are times when the days between posts are more than I'd like it to be, I'm enjoying finding new inspiration and things to write about. To those of you who take the time to read these posts as they are written, I thank you! 

2. Get healthy. Eat better. Lose 15-25 pounds.  Last summer I felt like I'd taken a good step forward. Even though I wasn't down more than about 8 pounds, I was toning & feeling better than ever. I've fallen off the wagon a bit but recently, with the help of Jacob, I'm trying to get back into the routine of hitting the gym in the mornings (at least 3 days a week). My  ultimate goal is to lose 10-15 pounds from my current weight of 163 by my birthday in May. Current weighing in between 157 & 159 pounds :)

3. Be a better me. For myself, for Jacob, for our kids. This will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, be a work in progress. However, I really do feel I've made strides in the right direction this year. Jacob and I went on our first overnight trip, alone, without children or friends a couple weeks ago and guess what? We survived. And I for one, had a dang good time.

4. Take more pictures of us. Of our children. Of nature. Find beauty behind the lens.

5. Get another tattoo. An anchor? The kid's names? Both?  Jacob and I both have a tattoo scheduled for this Saturday morning, STAY TUNED! 

6. Partake in a paintball fight.

7. Find adventure. Try new things. Say yes more often.  I'm trying to take this on as my new life mantra. 2017 has been a good year for this. I have tried new food - fish & oysters. I started playing disc golf. I made my first homemade pie, crust & all! 

8. Go on a random road trip with friends.

9. Travel to a new city or state.  I've stepped foot in Louisiana & Alabama this year (both a first for me) & went to a concert in Maryville, MO. A family trip to Arkansas and Tennessee are both in the works for 2018. Stay tuned.

10. Play messy twister.

11. Become a "regular" somewhere.   My friend Cate has told me that I can't become a regular somewhere, because we are the "regular spot." Hill Haven is often a gathering place for our family and friends. However, Jacob and I have started to have Saturday morning coffee dates. And while we've missed them a few times due to our schedule, it is something that I look forward to.

12. Learn to cook. I've screwed up hamburger helper for Pete's sake! This too, will forever be a work in progress but hey, I am working on it. I've made homemade noodles & took my first attempt at a homemade apple pie. 

13. Start a new family tradition.  I started a new "family" tradition with a set of friends this year. Alex and Neal, some friends of ours, held their First Annual Noodle Making Party this December. It was a tradition passed on to Neal by his Grandma and he shared it with a group of us this winter. I can honestly say, I had a blast and will continue to attend for as long as they keep the tradition going. BUT, it definitely does help if you remember to put said noodles in the freezer and not leave them in the beer cooler.... pure devastation.

14. Know that it's okay to say how I feel. Holding it in doesn't provoke change.

15. Rekindle the romance and friendship with my husband. Times get tough. Sometimes giving up seems like the easiest thing to do but 11 years is too far to come to just walk away. I feel Jacob & I have both made steps forward in this category. He is my best friend. He always makes me laugh (even when I'm trying really hard not to). He calls me on my crap. And at the end of the day, we have each other and we're working to be the best versions of ourselves for each other and our kids. 

16. Go to a Chase Rice concert.  HOLY SMOKES people, I can cross this one off my list. On December 8th, Jacob and I braved the campus of Northwest Missouri State University to attend my very first Chase Rice concert. I say first because if I have it my way, it won't be my last! He was AMAZING!!!! 

17. Worry less. It's okay to go a day without makeup or the perfect hair. And lazy Sundays are and should be a thing. I've definitely been embracing the exhilaration of not having to get all dolled up on the weekends.

18. Finally watch the Lord of the Rings & Hobbit trilogies.

19. Find the prettiest waterfall in the state of Kansas.

20. Experience a drive in theater. 

21. Re-read the Harry Potter series & have a weekend marathon. I'm working on it! I'm currently on book 4 of 7.

22. Continue to make more time for family. Always a work in progress. Life is hectic and schedules are busy but Jacob and I are really trying to make one another and our kids the highest priority.

23. Lear to let go. Of hurt and of anger. This will continue to be a work in progress but I feel like I'm making strides in the right direction.

24. Make time for myself.  Since I've been slacking in my commitment to go to the gym, my time alone has taken a backseat to other things in life. And this time of year is just crazy. I will admit though, it's my own fault. Jacob is always very encouraging me to take a little time to myself. So after a recent bathroom remodel, I am telling myself, "grab a glass of wine & a book and allow yourself to enjoy a nice soak in the tub every once in awhile."

25. Home improvement projects. Kitchen (done), wall decor, office area. The office area is still not done. I will get there though, I will get there. But we have remodeled the kid's bathroom and I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty envious of it.

26. Explore the opportunities within an online course or certification. 

27. Find the best cheeseburger in the state of Kansas.

28. Read more. I've read some good ones so far this year. I've found a new favorite author, Kristin Hannah & really enjoyed and recommend "The Good, The Bad and the Grace of God" by Jep & Jessica Robertson.

29. Go to a musical.

30. Never back down. Go after my dreams. 


It's been one hell of a ride twenties. I'll miss you. But I'm looking forward to my third decade and the possibilities it holds. So with that being said, it's a wrap!

And if I asked you to name all the things you loved, how long would it take for you to name yourself?

"One day it just clicks. You begin to really realize what's important and what isn't. You learn to care less about what people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you've come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you'd never recover. And you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you've fought to become."

We live in a world of judgement. We judge others. We judge ourselves. 

I've been judged for my hair color. My complexion. Because I have freckles and wore glasses. I've been given opinions on my decision to not finish college, on my parenting techniques. 

There was a time (up until very recently actually) that I'd let these comments get to me. I'd let the opinion of others interfere with my opinion of myself. But I've made an honest effort to be the best version of myself, to love myself, flaws and all. 

For a long time, I fought with myself over the decision I made to quit college. Some days I found it hard to see my some of my friends, college graduates, excelling in a career that they had chosen for themselves and fought for and know I didn't have that, that I'd chosen to "give up." I beat myself up for not pushing myself harder and further for my children. But now I've come to realize that at that moment in my life, quitting school was the best decision for ME. Tristan was born the summer before my sophomore year. For the year after he was born, I struggled to make school my focus. I wasn't passionate about my program. Simple truth, my heart just wasn't in it. My focus was on being a mom. So I quit school and went to work full time. 10 years later, I wouldn't change it. I've found a job that I enjoy and that has taught me skills that I never thought I would grasp. And at the end of the day, my family is provided for and that will forever be my first priority.

After having two children, clothes don't fit the way they used to. I've put on a few pounds...or 15. And so many times I'd look at myself in the mirror and think, "Wow girl...how did we get here?" I know the number on the scale doesn't define me, nor do the stretch marks on my legs but I'd beat myself up and tear myself down time and time again. But now? Now I'm trying to become a healthier, fitter version of myself, for ME. I've come to love my classes at the gym. I challenge myself to get up and move more often throughout the day. And at 29, I'm finally getting to a point in my life where I look at myself and think to myself, "Man your hair looks good today. Cute outfit! Oh wow, this color really does compliment my complexion." Yes I do have stretch marks and a scar from my c-section. But you know what else? I have provided a home for two children, an opportunity that not all women get. 

Little did I know it, I found my husband when I was sixteen. Almost thirteen years later, he remains by my side. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't times I was waiting for us to fail. I'd be lying if I said that there weren't times that I pushed him away. During those times I felt like if things had to end, then it was going to be in a way I could control. There are underlying issues as to why I thought this way, of which I won't dive into at this time. But now, we're in a better place than we've ever been and we're doing it for US. I'm okay with my first love being my one and only. We've fought damn hard to get here. 

And those are just some of the bigger things I've come to accept. There are many others:
It's okay for me to have an opinion of my OWN. 
It's okay for me to fight for the things I believe in.
It's okay to have a melt down, it's okay to not be okay. 
It's okay to have parenting fails, in the end it's going to make me better. 
It's okay to walk out of someone's life if you feel like you don't belong in it anymore.
It's okay to make mistakes, it's how I come back from those mistakes that matters.
It's okay to be scared, but I still need to put myself out there.
It's okay that some days it takes all I have just to breathe.
It's okay to be happy, it's okay to smile. 
It's okay if I don't know how much more I can handle. 
It's okay if I don't know what to do next.
It's okay to be a free spirit, to dream. 
It's okay to laugh loudly, even if the room is silent. 
It's okay for me to stand on my own two feet and be different. 
It's okay to ask for help.
It's okay to take chances, to follow my heart. 

It's taken years of work on myself, of surrounding myself with people who build me up even on my toughest days, but I'm finally getting there. I am smart. I am capable. I am worthy.