The Biggest Gifts Come in the Smallest Packages

September is NICU Awareness month and it's in honor, I am dedicating this blog post to Brynlee, my NICU miracle.

Did you know that 1 out of 10 babies is born prematurely? When Jacob and I found out we were expecting with our second child, never did I expect that she'd be that 1 in 10. It's not a trial that either of us would have asked for but after experiencing it, it's one that I'd never give away.

On the afternoon of June 18, 2014, Jacob and I made our way to the office of our OBGYN, Dr. Faulkner. I remember being at work that day, nervous for the day to come. And even after reassurance from my coworkers, I was convinced that something was going on.  

We had been at one of our prenatal appointments the week before when we were advised our little girl was measuring a little smaller than anticipated. While the doctor told us not to worry ourselves with the unknowns, we scheduled a follow up appointment for the next week in which they would do a sonogram and take a closer look at how our gal was doing. 

After our sonogram, we were moved into an exam room to wait for Dr. Faulkner as she would be the one discussing their findings. After sitting in the room for a few minutes, I heard a voice in the hall. "Jessica Hill....32 weeks and 4 days..." I remember looking at Jacob and saying, "well, if that doesn't make a girl nervous, I'm not sure what does." And try as he may to convince me otherwise, there was nothing he could say to eliminate the knot that had formed itself in my stomach. 

I remember the doctor knocking on the exam room door. I remember trying to brace myself for what she was about to tell me. Our little gal, the one we had prayed and hoped about for over a year before becoming pregnant, was weighing in at less than three pounds. The average weight of a baby at 32 weeks is around 3.75 pounds. Not only that, my blood pressure had seemed to skyrocket since the last week, even though I had no symptoms of it being anything other than normal. As the appointment continued, Jacob and I were filled in on the steps we'd take from that day forward to bring a healthy baby into this world. We were advised that our hospital was not equipped to handle pre-term babies under 35 weeks and that we need to travel that afternoon to Stormont Vail Hospital in Topeka and be admitted where Brynlee and I could continue to be monitored until her birth. After making accommodations for Tristan and making phone calls for our family, Jacob and I made the hour long drive to Topeka. Our heads were reeling the entire way up there. How would the next few days pan out? Was it safe for our baby to be born this early?  

After admission and initial testing, I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia without severe symptoms. On June 18, 2014 I was given the first of two steroid shots to help Brynlee's lung functions develop. Depending on follow up labs, we were advised that she could be delivered at any point, however, they were hoping to make it until at least that Friday, when the shots would have time to take proper effect. The following day, June 19th, I was given the second shot and an appointment was scheduled with the Perinatologist for Friday the 20th. 

Friday. The. 20th. 

We saw the Perinatologist first thing that morning. While my labs had slightly improved in the days prior, they had showed a decline that day. She let us know that this could have been a result of the steroid shots. While they were helping our baby girl, they were masking some of my symptoms. It was decided that labor would be induced that day. We had just reached 33 weeks gestation. The events of that day were a whirlwind. I was given a medication to induce labor and another to keep my body calm as high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia can lead to strokes in laboring mothers. Tried as I might, it was decided early the next morning that a c-section was necessary as labor was not progressing and Brynlee's heart-rate decelerated, meaning that she was under stress as well. I remember praying, asking God to protect my baby, that if only one of us could make it out of the surgery, for it to be her. And then I remember praying again, asking him to protect both of us, as I had a six year old son waiting for me at home who needed his mother.

For those mother's who have never experienced a c-section (this was a first for me too as Tristan was birthed naturally), before they cut into you they perform a feel test where they pinch pieces of your skin around where they'll be making the incision to ensure you cannot feel it. Now, whether or not I could actually feel them pinching my skin, I am unsure, however, at the time I was CERTAIN I could. The doctor performing the surgery decided at this time that for the best of Brynlee and I, they would put me completely under for the procedure. 

The next thing I remember, I was in recovery, asking Jacob "how is she?" To which he replied, "she's doing great, she weighed 2 pounds, 14 ounces and has been taken down to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). She's in great hands."


I was pretty in and out of it for the next few hours. It was late the next morning when I was able to be taken down to see Brynlee for the first time. I tried to prepare myself for what I was about to see, tried to tell myself that while she may be tiny and hooked up to machines, she was okay. However, as they wheeled me into her room and I laid eyes on her first the first time, I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. She was SO tiny. She had a mask over her eyes, shielding them from the lights she had been placed under to bring down her bilirubin level. She had was on a bubble c-pap machine to help her lungs expand and contract like they needed. There was monitors and wires everywhere (or at least it seemed so to me) and since she was on respiratory care, we were unable to hold her, but could touch her through windows in her incubator. 

Here's a look into the days to follow:
June 23rd, 2014 - Brynlee came off of all respiratory care & was breathing completely on her own after only 3 days. And while this in itself was HUGE news, we were greeted with even GREATER news as we were now going to be able to hold our little girl (even if it was only in short intervals)!


June 25th, 2014 - I am released from the hospital. 
June 27th, 2014 - Brynlee's bilirubin levels were down enough so that one of her lights was taken away. She gained two ounces and bounced up slightly past her birth weight.


June 29th, 2014 - Brynlee's bilirubin levels had gone down enough to where she no longer needed to be under a bililight. In the past few days a PICC line had been placed so that they didn't have to poke her every time they needed labs, & on this day she was wearing a cute little PICC gown!



June 30th, 2014 - Weight is up to 3 pounds, 2 ounces. She began receiving 7ml of breastmilk every 3 hours instead of the 3ml she had been receiving previously.
July 1st, 2014 - Brynlee is able to take her first bottle & drinks the whole thing! Weight is up to 3 pounds, 3 ounces.


July 2nd, 2014 - Weight is up to 3 pounds, 4 ounces. We receive word that her IV fluids will continue to decrease as her feedings increase and her PICC line will be removed at the beginning of the following week.
July 3rd, 2014 - The NICU staff need a picture of a baby wearing a PICC gown to send to the foundation that provides funding and supplies for them & chose Brynlee! Weight is up to 3 pounds, 6 ounces. 


July 6th, 2014 - Brynlee is two weeks and 1 day old. She was taken off her lipids Friday & her IV fluids on this day. We received word that her PICC line would be removed the following day. Weight is up to 3 pounds, 8 ounces (only 25 grams away from being able to be moved to a crib where she would need to remain for at least 48 hours while maintaining her body temperature and having no breathing episodes). 


July 7th, 2014 - Brynlee is 27ml of breast milk every 3 hours (one step below full feedings). Weighed in at 3 pounds, 9 ounces. On this day, she also got to wear her first outfit!

July 8th, 2014 - PICC line is removed. Weighs in at 3 pounds, 10 ounces. Taking 6 out of 8 bottles per day.
July 9th, 2014 - Little miss decided to pull her own NG tube out! Began taking ALL feedings by bottle so she is moved to ad lib feedings. 
July 10th, 2014 - Weighed in at 3 pounds, 11 ounces (only 20 grams away from being moved to a crib). Took her first feeding from a regular bottle. 

July 11th, 2014 - Weighed in at 3 pounds, 13 ounces meaning she would be moved to a crib the next day!
July 12th, 2014 - Moved to a crib and continues to maintain her body temperature and eat like a champ. Weighed in a 3 pounds, 14.4 ounces.

July 13th, 2014 - Weighed in at 3 pounds, 15.9 ounces. Passed her car seat trial (90 minutes in a car seat with no episodes). 

July 14th, 2014 - Brynlee graduates from the NICU  and gets to go HOME!!!!!!!! 



Our NICU journey lasted for 24 days. At the time, those 24 days seemed to drag on forever but we managed to to get through (thanks to the outpouring of love and support from our family, work families and friends). 

It's been 3 years since we last walked through those doors but even then, I truly believe the NICU always stays with you. Had it not been for the amazing care from the staff, those 24 days would have been a lot harder to get through. It's challenging to leave your baby in someone else's care while you are at home, an hour away, because life has to go on but never once did I feel that Brynlee was not being taken care of. The doctors and nurses did everything in their power to make sure that not only was our little girl taken care of, but that we were as well. And for them, I am forever grateful. 



P.S. Here's your fun fact for the day. There have been several times in my life when I've thought of a career in the medical field. And after our NICU journey with Brynlee, I've decided if I ever did take the leap, I'd love to find a job within the NICU, to help provide the hope for others that was so honestly provided for me.

Southern State of Mind

Last January, my husband decided he wanted to go to Kansas City and "look" at motorcycles. In his defense, I don't think either one of us thought we'd actually be leaving with a bike that day but...we did. Before we left the dealership that day, we were taken in to finalize the sale and while talking to the gentleman who was working with us, one of the two of us called him "sir." His reply. "Don't call me sir, that's my father." At the time, I didn't think anything of it. But then, when it happened again and he had the same reply, I found myself getting a little flustered. See, where I'm from, I was taught that calling a man or woman sir or ma'am is a sign of respect, not a sign of age. 

Southern state of mind.

My family and I recently took a trip to Dauphin Island, Alabama for my mom's wedding. We'd all been anxiously counting down the days until we got to load up in the car and go (I'll be honest, I had a running countdown on my phone). Most of my excitement lied in the fact that my mom was going to have her dream wedding on the beach. But it also came from knowing that we were going to a place we'd never visited. 


Dauphin Island, the sunset capital of Alabama, totals 161.7 square miles of which only 6.2 square miles are land. To gain access to Dauphin Island, you must drive three miles along the Dauphin Island Bridge. The view, I can't even describe. It was simply breathtaking. 



The days spent on the island were AMAZING. My mom's Christmas present to all of us was the trip (more specifically the house we stayed in), which was built up from the water and was on it's own private beach. 


We made so many memories that it'd take a week to write of all the things we got to experience. However, my favorite moments (besides my mom's wedding, OF COURSE) came on the last night evening and morning we were on the island.

Knowing that it was our last evening there, Jacob wanted to spend it soaking up the local scene. My brother Michael and his girlfriend Amanda were generous enough to watch the kids for us while we spent a few hours alone. After doing some research, Jacob came across a restaurant, JT's Sunset Grill, which is known for it's good food and amazing views of the sunset. So we loaded up on the bike and paid it a visit. 

Coolest. Place. Ever. 

When we told the waitress that we were interested in sitting on the deck so that we could watch the sunset, she handed us a couple of menus and showed us upstairs. There, we deliberated on what we were going to order (let me just say, I don't think you could make a wrong choice) and I finally decided on a burger and fries while Jacob ordered one of their specials, shrimp alfredo. We also ordered starters, shrimp and fried green tomatoes. After ordering our dinner, we walked into the bar area and ordered drinks. Miller Lite for him and a "Kiss on the Lips" for me, recommended by Bre, a waitress at the restaurant. 

As we waited for our dinner, we sips on our drinks and chatted among ourselves. And took a selfie.. duh! But seriously, who could resist with this view? 



In the midst of our outing, a pair of locals and their daughter came out on the deck and instantly introduced themselves (The Monroes) and talked to us for the rest of our time there. We talked about where they lived on the island (east end versus west end) and come to find out, they lived only about a block over from where we'd been staying all week! In fact, I'd seen their daughter (and her us) multiple times on the beach as she'd walk daily through the bird sanctuary and down the beach. We learned that Mr. Monroe was  former Coast Guard and they'd moved to the island almost 19 years ago. We learned that their daughter was a school teacher in Virginia and planned on moving to the island herself after retiring in a few years. They told us all about the gas rigs that are stationed on the water and how the island was effected when Hurricane Katrina hit. We spoke of life and all it's entirety for the next couple of hours. And when it was time for us to get going, his wife says to us "wish we could have met you sooner, we could of invited you over for some drinks and food." Jacob and I got up from the picnic table which we'd been sitting at and as we walked towards the exit, the most genuine thing happened. The daughter looked at me and said, "Do you mind if I give you a hug?" I smiled immediately and replied "of course not." (I myself am a hugger). That hug was followed by one from both her mother and father. Walking away, I heard her mother said, "What a sweet couple, she (me) has the most contagious laugh and smile I have ever heard and seen." 

The southern state of mind. Not knowing a stranger. Going out of your way to make others feel welcome. 

The next morning, Jacob and I got ourselves out of bed at 5:30am to watch the sunrise. We rode the motorcycle down to the public beach and watched from a bench on a pier over the water. After it had risen, we decided to make our way to the Lighthouse Bakery. I'd seen great reviews on the bakery and the Monroes had raved about it to us the night before. We figured we'd better get in on it before it was too late. And I'm glad we did. 

The bakery resides in a house which they converted. It has the kitchen area (where all the deliciousness is made) and a sitting area for those who choose to dine in. The lady that greeted us made sure to fill us in on all they had to offer and then asked where we were from. I'll tell you what, when we told her that we had traveled from Emporia, KS, I sure did not expect her to say, "Emporia? I've been there! I traveled to the Teacher's College in the 80's to attend a conference." Small world. 

Homemade baked goods, a house latte and conversation all before 6:30 am? Southern state of mind. And p.s. their homemade pecan cinnamon rolls were the real deal. 

Not that I think anyone is ever ready to leave the beach, but those last two happenings on Dauphin Island had me ready to pack my bags and head south, permanently. 

I was born in North Carolina and moved to Kansas when I was three years old. After 2000, we traveled back to Carolina at least once a year to visit my Grandma. I was raised to know the following: a shopping cart is actually a buggy, a toboggan is not a sled but a hat that you wear on your head, commode is another word for toilet, every pop in the south is Coke (when they ask you what kind of Coke, you specify). Cherry lemon sundrop is the best carbonated beverage I've ever tasted. Sweet is the only way to drink tea. Cole slaw is in fact a great topping for a hot dog or hamburger. The saying "she's built like a brick shit house" is a compliment, not an insult. In the south, you get your pictures made, not taken. Over yonder is a direction. You're "full as a tick" after you've eaten a big meal. A purse is referred to as a pocketbook. 

I could go on and on. 

I've lived in Kansas in 26 years now and there are some things that will never leave me. I was raised southern, loud and proud. And I'm constantly scheming ways to get back east somehow, someday (Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina). With my family in tow of course. 

"I could be anywhere, in my heart I'll always be there, where they drink sweet tea and raise you to be polite, No changin' who I am, that's the way I've always been, no matter what state I'm in, I'm in a southern state of mind." 

Life's an Adventure

I'd like to think that deep down, I'm an adventure seeker and a risk taker. I often bombard Jacob with my crazy ideas. I mean, come on, who doesn't want to pack up their belongings and move across the country? Who cares about all the logical questions you should be asking? You know, like how are you going to find a job? Or where do you plan to live? Or what you're going to do when your thousands of miles away from your family and every comfort you've ever known? 

As I said, I'd like to think that I could describe myself that way. But when it all comes down to it, the mere thought of change sends a shiver down my spine. 

Let's take this week's happenings for example.... 

My husband and I constantly browse houses, cars, etc. For one, we always like to know what's out there (you never know what may catch your eye) and for two, we enjoy dreaming about what we'd do if we ever really were to strike it big (for those of you keeping score, our lotto tickets have yet to pan out for us). 

However, this last week, we happened to stumble across a piece of real estate that REALLY caught our eye. 

It presented itself to us as a house similar in size and layout to ours but also on some acreage. #winning 

So we stewed on it. We questioned it. We thought to ourselves, "maybe we should just inquire about it." So we did. It ended up not being quite the deal we had originally thought. The original house on the property had actually burned down. However, there was a garage which had been insulated and partially converted to living quarters. Heck, we could make this work! 

And here comes the twist.... 

I FREAKED out. Like full on, "we are crazy, why would we even think about this?" freaked out. We've lived in our house for two years. It's everything we've ever wanted (minus land), we've made it into a home for us and our two children. We've created endless memories with family and friends. I kept thinking, "why in the heck would we want to give this up and start from scratch?"

But, after days of contemplation and hesitation, we decided to go for it. The least we could do was take a look at the property. And if it was what we wanted and we felt like it was attainable, we'd take the next step. 

Tonight was the night. As we headed out to meet the real estate agent, my head was spinning with questions and scenarios. When we arrived at the property, we spoke with the Agent and wandered around the living quarters and land for a few moments. In my head, I was beginning to think "this could really be it. We could do this."

Plot twist. 

The property had three offers put in on it TODAY. And above the price range that we'd decided we'd be comfortable in. But here's the thing, we went for it. We put ourselves out there and we explored an option. And maybe this one didn't pan out. But maybe the next one will. 

Life is an adventure. I'd rather have a lifetime of "oh wells" than "what ifs?"

At the end of the day, Jacob and I have each other. We have our kids. We have a home and jobs that provide. 

But life is an adventure. 

Take the trip, make the call, eat the cake. 

Find your happy.

And make memories along the way.

Feelin' Fine at 29!

When we're younger, we always wanted to be "grown up" and our parents would always, always tell us, "slow down, enjoy these days, you'll be an adult in the blink of an eye." Back then, we never believed them. And now, as much as I hate to admit it, they were right. 

29 years have come and gone faster than I could have ever imagined. 

Yesterday, as I was going down the playhouse slide (for the 10th time), Brynlee on my lap, I couldn't keep from smiling. My view from the top of the slide is everything I've ever dreamed of. 

From there I was able to see my husband tinkering in the garage. A man that was placed in my life 12 years ago and has been a saving grace ever since. I was able to see my nearly 10 year old son, laying in the middle of the trampoline, singing his heart out to a song by Twenty One Pilots. A boy who wears his heart on his sleeve and loves with his whole heart. I was able to see my daughter's eyes light up and hear her little voice say "let's do it again Mommy," as we got to the bottom of the slide. I was able to see the house that Jacob and I initially joked about being our dream home, the one we worked so hard for, the one we are now able to call a home. I also saw the back porch, a gathering place many evenings for our family and friends. A porch that holds memories of conversations, cards games, laughter and tears. 

I'm blessed in many other ways as well. 

I have a group of friends that have been there for me through thick and thin. These people are my tribe. They're the people I reach out to when I'm hurting or upset. They're the people I laugh with. They're the people who know me (better than I know my self at times). They get me. 

I have an amazing work family. They make the normal 8 to 5 day more interesting and more fun. They're my therapists when I need an unbiased opinion regarding an issue. They're the comic relief when the times get busy and chaotic. 

And while I was initially having a hard time grasping that Monday marked the beginning of the final year in my twenties, I know it's going to be a good year, considering I only have 363 days to complete my "30 Before 30 List" (an update on that is below). So here's to a year of love and laughter. A year of adventure and chaos. A year of new things and new places. A year guaranteed to be one for the books.

30 Before 30

1. Start writing again, for me. To explore the possibilities of starting a blog and getting my thoughts out in hopes that it can help me find an outlet on days like today, to find my way back to something I am very passionate about and maybe, just maybe, help some other people through days like today.  I feel I can officially cross this one off my list as I have continued to work on this blog. It may not be as regularly as I'd like but hey, it's a start.

2. Get healthy. Eat better. Lose 15-25 pounds. (I am 8 pounds down from when I originally made this list). Be more active (I've been going to the gym for a solid 3 weeks now). This will always be a work in progress but that's okay. There is beauty in every step forward.

3. Be a better me. For myself, for Jacob, for our kids.

4. Take more pictures of us. Of our children. Of nature. Find beauty behind the lens.

5. Get another tattoo. An anchor? The kid's names? Both?

6. Partake in a paintball fight.

7. Find adventure. Try new things. Say yes more often.

8. Go on a random road trip with friends.

9. Travel to a new city or state. We have a family trip to Dauphin Island, AL in June. With only 51 days before we leave, the countdown is on! 

10. Play messy twister.

11. Become a "regular" somewhere. 

12. Learn to cook. I've screwed up hamburger helper for Pete's sake!

13. Start a new family tradition.

14. Know that it's okay to say how I feel. Holding it in doesn't provoke change.

15. Rekindle the romance and friendship with my husband. Times get tough. Sometimes giving up seems like the easiest thing to do but 11 years is too far to come to just walk away. I feel Jacob & I have both made steps forward in this category. He is my best friend. He always makes me laugh (even when I'm trying really hard not to). He calls me on my crap. And at the end of the day, we have each other and we're working to be the best versions of ourselves for each other and our kids. 

16. Go to a Chase Rice concert. 

17. Worry less. It's okay to go a day without makeup or the perfect hair. And lazy Sundays are and should be a thing. I've definitely been embracing the exhilaration of not having to get all dolled up on the weekends.

18. Finally watch the Lord of the Rings & Hobbit trilogies.

19. Find the prettiest waterfall in the state of Kansas.

20. Experience a drive in theater. 

21. Re-read the Harry Potter series & have a weekend marathon.

22. Continue to make more time for family.

23. Lear to let go. Of hurt and of anger.

24. Make time for myself.  The time between 5am & 6:15 am, Monday through Friday, that time is for me (even if I'm spending it sweating my butt off in the gym!)

25. Home improvement projects. Kitchen (done), wall decor, office area.

26. Explore the opportunities within an online course or certification. 

27. Find the best cheeseburger in the state of Kansas.

28. Read more. I've read some good ones so far this year. I've found a new favorite author, Kristin Hannah & really enjoyed and recommend "The Good, The Bad and the Grace of God" by Jep & Jessica Robertson.

29. Go to a musical.

30. Never back down. Go after my dreams.