Girl, Give Yourself a Breather & Take It In

 I laughed today. Man, did I laugh today. 

It all began at Walmart. Yeah that's right, Walmart. Jacob and I headed off to the good ole Wally World after work today to get our shopping for this weekend taken care of. Mandey, my BFF, was also there, as we'd collaboratively made a list of things we would need for our long weekend at the lake and hatched a plan to get it packed up this evening so that remainder of the week could be smooth sailing for all of us (lawdy, I hope I didn't jinx us all by making that prediction). 

If any of you have seen the three of us together than you can agree that we're quite the trio and always up to some sort of shenanigans. In no time, we were up to our normal antics. Heading toward the pet department, Mandey and I (mainly I), were quickly derailed at the summer aisle. After all, you never know what you might need for a weekend at the lake. After perusing the aisle and picking up a $3 pack of temporary tattoos for the kids, we headed back in our original direction to find Jacob, only to find him already headed back our way. As we turned in the middle of the aisle to head back the other direction, Jacob quickly took the lead ahead of us and was hustling to the other side of the store. Challenge accepted. As I watched my husband and my best friend compete for the lead, no doubt pulling out silly tactics to knock the other one out along the way, I started laughing. And when I say laughing, I mean full on giggles. You'd be pleased to know that these shenanigans continued for the entirety of the trip ; Jacob racing ahead to check items off the list and us forgetting something, or getting sidetracked by a shiny object. 

We made our way to the checkout line and fear not, shenanigans again ensued. On Jacob and I's list was a plethora of produce, so Mandey was done checking out well before us, leading her to begin to pull items from my cart at lightening speed. The woman working the self checkout lines began to laugh and said, "I didn't know that how things worked." My response, "It's our MO. If you only knew."

We all got back to the house and unloaded our weekend supplies. After chatting for awhile, we all decided it was time for dinner and went our separate ways. 

After an hour long shopping trip, neither Chef Boyardee or myself were motivated to find or prepare dinner, so we left it up to the kid's to decide on what they'd like. After a short debate, KFC was crowned the winner and we drove through the drive-thru for their famous family feast. 

Sitting at the table, Bryn quickly made her way through her mashed potatoes and moved on to her chicken wing. However, before eating it, she asked the chicken to forgive her for what she was about to do. That's right y'all, my seven year old asked her crispy chicken to forgive her. She didn't want it to feel hurt by her tearing off it's crispy, fried skin. Tristan then responds, "you know it's dead...right?" HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER. Our conversation continued, with Tristan explaining to his sister that chickens continue to run around, even after their heads are removed from their body. Jacob also jumped right in, making a gaggle of dad jokes which revolved around chicken. 

Y'all, I couldn't make this up if I tried. The four of us were laughing so hard that we cried, completed with tears running down our face and the ever hilarious snorting. Good grief, my sides hurt. I feel like I've run a marathon, complete with an ab workout. But I'd be lying if I said tonight wasn't exactly what I needed. 

You see, this year has been a tough one for me, mentally. There were times I missed out on what was right in front of me because I was too full of anxiety or anger. But tonight, I feel so much lighter. 

The bills, the stress, the chaos? In some shape or form, they're always going to be there. Time on the other hand? You won't get it back. So take it and treasure it. Live it up. Soak it in. 

Indulge in laughter. As I did just that tonight, I realized that the laugh I give Tristan such a hard time for, it's an extension of me. Our high pitched shrill when we are tickled pink may be loud but it's also contagious. 

Set your alarm for 4:50am and meet your friends at the track on the other side of town, no matter how much you want to hit your snooze button. Get your steps in, take some time for you. 

Listen to your husband snoring in the bedroom off the kitchen, where you're currently writing your blog and instead of being annoyed, be grateful for the partner you have in him, a hard worker and a man who loves with everything he has. 

Let your seven year old daughter climb into your bed to fall asleep. And when she's thrashing around, pull her close and take in her scent. She won't be little forever Momma, hang on to it while you can. 

The laundry can sit another day. That email can wait for a response. The cleaning can be done tomorrow. And the weight you're carrying around, feeling like you're not good enough or put together enough, or accomplishing enough? Let it go. 

Girl, give yourself a breather, take it in and recharge.

This One's for the Girls

This one is dedicated to my ladies, without whom I wouldn't survive most days. 

I read a quote earlier which read, "the only rose without thorns is friendship." My immediate thoughts? What a load of crap. 

Deep, real friendships? They require work. They require forgiveness. They require sacrifice. And while I've had a friend who has stood by my side the last 16 years, it's only been within the last 5 or 6 that I've truly found a group of ladies that I feel like I'll continue to laugh and learn with for many years to come.

Mandey's been one of my best friends since high school and out of all my friends, is the one I've been through the most $h!t with. We've both stood together on mountaintops and trudged through the trenches, our friendship now stronger because of it.

Kayla came into my life unexpectedly, while on a date with one of my best guy friends. From that, an unexpected friendship blossomed. In the 6 years we've know one another, we've stood side by side through triumph and tragedy. 

Tricia (and her husband Derek) went to school with my husband. When they moved into our neighborhood 5 years ago, our lives quickly intertwined and  an incredible friendship began to grow. She's the gal I can always count on for an impromptu karaoke session and man, can she sing!

Lisa and I have crossed paths several times in our lives. From working in the same building (her at the bank and me at Subway) to our kids growing up together, it's been shared friendships and the last few years that have truly brought us together. 

Ashley first came into my life as a friend of a friend and I'll be honest, I didn't know how to read her at first. But now, I'm grateful for the work we've both put in to get where we are today. And while I know I'm from the South, I swear this girl was too in a past life! She's sassy and I love it!

We're loud. We act crazy together. For example, a recent excursion to a Wichita Target which if witnessed on any security footage will have people thinking "she gone" when in all actuality, not a drop of alcohol had been consumed that day. 

We laugh, A LOT. Nothing compares to the stomachache I get after laughing with them. We have inside jokes; hey Mandey - remember that time we planted an already dead plant just so we didn't dispose of it in front of Jacob? 

We converse almost daily, and across several platforms, about anything and everything. We talk about rough days at work and workout plans. We talk about books and movies and TV shows, about future plans and vacation. We're also all very strong willed and independent, which can mean that our opinions are not always the same. And yet, this often leads to deeper conversations and changing perspectives. 

We've cried together, multiple times. Because....life. We can be honest with each other when we're struggling. 

Our friendship doesn't pressure. It's an open invitation to be authentically you, whatever that may look like.  We know each other's weakness, and strive to focus to each other's strengths. 

Our friendship isn't made up of a bunch of big things, but more so, a bunch of little ones. It's full of: 

• text conversations constructed of only GIFs 
• porch beers on random nights
• play dates 
• a girls night in complete with adult lunchables, wine and laughter (or watching Steel Magnolias because a certain person, AHEM..Kayla, hadn't seen it yet)
• cheering each other on in whatever things we are doing

Let's face it, with everything going on in the world today, we need each other, even on days we don't want to admit it. 

And whether or not we want to admit it, we're not perfect, not a single one of us. We've hurt each other's feelings a time or two. We've called each other on our crap. In the moment it may have burned and felt raw, but it's also lead us down a path of understanding. It's allowed us to grow, to strengthen our bond. 

These ladies have taught me that we don't need to try so hard. We don't always have to look put together or have our ducks in a row. Let's face it, my ducks are almost indefinitely NOT in a row. They've helped me to find the balance between being there for others but knowing that I also need to show up for myself. 

Choose the friends who are choosing you. Love the friends that love you. And tell them, shout it from the damn rooftop. Because fierce lady friendships, they're hard to beat. 

Another beautiful thing? There's always room for more, in both our horseshoe (because as Glennon Doyle says, "leave space, always leave space") and our hearts. 

 

Unpacking My Bag in 2021

I'll be honest in saying that 2020 has been equal parts invigorating and exhausting. It's refreshed me in ways that I never thought possible and yet, just a couple weeks out from a new year, I am feeling more drained than ever ; both physically and emotionally. 

I stumbled across an Instagram post yesterday from Jana Kramer, who mentioned that in a therapy session, her therapist read her a story in regards to letting go and moving away from things that aren't serving you anymore. And I'm not going to lie, there are probably dozens of similar posts that have been made and that I've seen, but yesterday, as I was tired and mad and hurting, it really resonated with me. What am I hanging onto that is no longer serving me? Unfortunately, those answers come a little too easily to me: anger, resentment, hurt, perception.

Anger with myself for allowing things to effect me in the way that I've let them, sneaking in and stealing joy from things that would normally bring me so much happiness. Anger in the way I've handled certain situations, letting things get the best of me. Anger is heavy. LET. IT. GO.

Resentfulness and hurt are two bitter pills which go in hand in hand. Their result? A hardened heart. Am I wrong in saying that when you feel as if you've been treated badly or hurt, your first instinct is to hurt back? And yet, two wrongs don't make a right. Bad things happen. But maybe, instead of letting those bad things loom like a darkened cloud over our heads, we should learn to use them to appreciate the light. Resentment and hurt don't change things. Instead they put a dimmer lens on the present. 

Perception, life is all about perception. How we view things, negatively or positively, will ultimately have an effect on the way we see ourselves and the way we see others. A unrealistic perception I've set for myself is outward appearance. By this I mean that I've always struggled with the fact that if I don't look "put together" or "ideal" then I'm failing. In the new year, I hope to take a step back and remind myself that I don't have to have it all down to succeed. Not having the time to make homemade treats for every class party does not make me a failure as a mother. Not looking like the girl two treadmills down from me at the gym doesn't invalidate my goals. That being said, I also need to change my perception towards others. Their opinions being different than mine doesn't invalidate them either, it doesn't make them wrong. In fact, I'm slowly realizing that difference in opinion has lead to some deep and meaningful conversations, ones that I may not have had otherwise. Another perception I've embedded within myself is the inability to say no. I fear that saying no to an opportunity or an invitation may hurt others, not realizing that most often the person that gets hurt is myself or my family. So in turn, I'm working towards saying no just as often, maybe more, than I say yes. Saying no will bring me more time with my family. Saying no will allow life to present new opportunities, new adventures. Saying no will lessen anxieties brought on by crammed schedules and expectations. It will make way for time doing the things that I want, that my family wants. And sometimes that thing is to do absolutely NOTHING. 

So there you have it, the things I hope to unpack from my bag in 2021: anger, resentment, hurt and perception. But I'm also hoping to take that open space in my bag and fill it with things that DO serve me. 

Faith.

Kindness.

Humility.

Forgiveness.

Inner peace.

Patience. 

What's in your bag? 

Girl, Give Yourself Some Grace

 

Dangit ya'll, times can be trying. And goodness knows, I'm the gal who internalizes, internalizes, internalizes. Until I can't anymore and that's when.... 

poop hits the fan. 

Life is full of changes. In fact, change is one of the constants of life. Your girl, she embraces change. It gets me excited. It gets my mind going. In some ways it recharges me. 

For those of you who don't know, Jacob took a new job since my last blog post. It's an opportunity that has laid in wait for these last few years and a few months ago, he decided to take a chance on himself and his abilities and go for it. In the last month, I've seen a shift in him, a good one. I've seen him regain his fire and I'm so damn proud of him. That being said, this job will require him to be on the road more often, which in turn, puts some wrinkles in our day to day routine. 

The kid's started school last week. I have a first grader who participates in face to face classes five days a week and a middle schooler for which the majority of schooling is online, with a face to face session once every eight days. Brynlee gets out of school at 3:11pm, and with good old rona' lurking around, after school care isn't a thing. Tristan doesn't get out of class until after 3:30pm. On the days Jacob works in town, he can help with that. As for the others, it's all on me. Luckily for me, I work for a company and people who truly care about one another, giving me the ability to alter my work schedule and location to ensure my kid's are taken care of. 

Jacob worked out of town EVERY day last week. If I'm being honest, the separation has been good for us. We talk more, laugh more. We appreciate each other more. But last week, your girl who just a few paragraphs ago said that she embraces change, was doing the exact opposite. I was loathing it... and letting it get the best of me. 

Midweek, I saw my reprieve. Jacob was scheduled to work from home from Friday and I was scheduled off Friday. Since the kids would be in school during the day, it'd give us an opportunity to spend some one on one time together, maybe even go out for coffee together (something we used to do so often and something I clearly took for granted). What's that saying? Man plans, God laughs? Thursday afternoon, Jacob texted me saying he had some work come up for Friday. Whelp, so much for those plans. 

Teamwork makes the dream work. Teamwork is how we get through. He cooks, I clean. He grocery shops, I schedule appointments. I get the kids off to school, he gets them picked up. We tag team laundry. We tag team night bath times and before bed routines. Last week however, it was all me but no worries, your girl got it handled.

 Yet, I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I was destined to fail somewhere. I was reclusive. I was internalizing, quickly becoming upset and beating myself up every step of the way. Other people do this all the time Jess, why are you having such a hard time with it? Jacob is off working to further our family's opportunities, why are you struggling with that? 

If a friend was in my same situation, I'd tell them to give themselves some time. That sometimes when change hits you all at once, it takes a little while to process. That it's okay to feel overwhelmed and it's human. And when life seems like it's trying to knock you down, stand firm and give yourself a little grace. 

Giving yourself grace means giving yourself the kindness you deserve and not being so hard on yourself ; realizing you're doing the best you can do in the given moment. 

Grace may be a day spent in bed, watching chick flicks and indulging in junk food. Grace may be allowing yourself to let the laundry sit another day so you can read another chapter of your book. Grace may be an evening spent on the couch, snuggled up with the kids. Whatever grace looks like to you, gift it to yourself. You'll be grateful when you do. 

Strivin' to Thrive, Even Amongst the Chaos

It's been approximately two months since my last blog post and my oh my, how things have changed in that short time frame. 

We're in quarantine. 
Our kids are schooling from home.
We're working from home.
Our relationships are being tested. 
We're questioning ourselves. We're questioning others. 

It's weird and tough and challenging. And yet, I'm  realizing that it's also a privilege. 

If you don't remember, two months ago, I shared my word for the year 2020: THRIVE. So how am I, with everything that's going on, thriving?

If I'm being honest, I wasn't. I wasn't thriving. I was anxious and scared and I was letting my anxiety and nerves drain the joy out of my day. I was an absolute mess. On day four of quarantine, we said our goodbyes to Brody, our family dog of the last 9 1/2 years. In the following week, I spent most of my time in a daze. I was going through the motions (barely) and mourning the sense of normalcy. I wasn't eating. In a little over a week, I lost 10 pounds. And ya'll, while I've been working to lose weight, that 10 pounds was not lost in a healthy way. I was struggling to find balance between working from home and helping my kids school from home. I was barely communicating with the outside world. I felt so lost. 

On the flip side, I also knew I couldn't allow myself to go on like this forever. So how did I change that?

I'll start by saying, it's not an instant change friends, it's a gradual one. 

For starters, I'm limiting my exposure to social media and the news. Now, I know there is useful information out there and while I like to stay updated, it is also easy to find myself falling down a rabbit hole. Once I'm there, everything seems dark and I spiral. I no longer allow myself to get online in the morning until I've achieved a few things: a shower, brushed teeth, combed hair, clothing, completion of my daily devotional and the consumption of at least a half a cup of coffee. And even then, I only allow myself 10 to 15 minutes to browse the news in the morning. The same thing goes for the evening, at least an hour before I go to bed, no social media, no news. 

Additionally, I've searched to find one thing that I do for myself daily to lift my spirits. It comes in the form of a 30 - 45 minute daily video from Rachel and/or Dave Hollis. If you follow me on Facebook, you'll notice that I've shared a few of their videos recently. If you haven't already, watch them. Y'all, the joy these people project, is amazing. Sometimes the video is a 30 minute jam session, other it's a 30 minute segment touching on an issue we are all dealing with during this quarantine. Either way, as Dave so often says, I AM HERE FOR IT. And P.S. If you have yet to read "Girl, Wash Your Face" or "Girl, Stop Apologizing," do it. Add those babies to your Amazon cart right now. 

I'm also working really hard to take control of my mindset, to find the good in every day. While there are so many things out there that I absolutely cannot control, my mindset is not one of them. It is up to ME and me only, to get there. I can't put that job on my husband, my kids or my friends. This one is on ME. I encourage you to do the same. Even on the days that you're struggling, the days where you are feeling the pressure of working and teaching and keeping house and every thing else that comes with our day to day, I promise you, if you look for the good, you will find it. And the beauty of it, your something good doesn't have to be something elaborate. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture made by someone you know. Often times, the best gifts come in the smallest packages. It's the 30 minutes that you got to spend with your husband before work. It's the laughter you hear from your children as they're running around the house. It's the 20 minutes of sunshine you absorbed while on a walk at lunch. It could also be that it is now 5 days after you obtained your first stellar facial sunburn of the season and your face no longer looks quite like a cherry tomato. 

Friends, we will come out on the other side of this. But let me ask you this, when you come out on the other side, are you going to look back at this time wishing you'd done all you could do to be the best version of yourself and making the most of this time that we've been given or are you going to do the dang thing? 

For those of us that are blessed to be able to work our jobs and still provide for our family during this time, let's be thankful. Not everyone has that privilege. 

For those of us that are lucky enough to be home to assist our kids with their schooling, let's be thankful. Not everyone has that privilege. 

For those of us that have our health, let's be thankful. 

Make time for yourself. Make time for your spouse. Make time for your kids. Take the time to check in on your family and friends. Get out and move your body. Enjoy a beverage on the deck. Take the time to read the book you've been itching to read. Try a new recipe. Be empathetic. Laugh often. Love fiercely. 

Strive to thrive.

Progress Report

Wow y'all, it's been a hot minute (err, three months) since my last blog. We have welcomed a new year and are quickly approaching the end of February. Where has the time gone?

Life these last three months has been the perfect mixture of mundane and adventure. And hey, that's a-okay with me. 

Adventure has taken us to new places, both within the Kansas state lines and outside of them. In November, we took our first family vacation (just the four of us) to visit Jacob's Uncle Paul in Colorado and take in the sights. I'd be lying if I said that Colorado wasn't breathtaking. We wandered and saw so many new things: Estes Park, Rocky Mountain National Park, Pikes Peak, the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. We spent time with family I'd had yet to meet and had the absolute time of our lives. 

We adventured with friends to Teeter rock, located in Butler County. We traveled the back roads, found some mud and made some memories. 

We've spent late nights gathered around a kitchen table, laughing and reminiscing. We've spent Sundays cheering on the Chiefs and indulging in delicious food. We've watched our gaggle of children create chaos all around us.  

On the other hand, we've also experienced nights that have us in bed by 8 o'clock. We've endured stomach bugs and colds. We've binge watched TV shows while snuggled up in front of the fireplace.

And we've loved every single minute. Okay, so maybe not EVERY single minute...like the ones filled with vomiting children. But you get the picture.

In January, I picked a word for 2020, just as I had for 2019. My word? THRIVE. And thriving is exactly what I've been doing. 

I've gotten myself back in a gym routine, going four to five days a week for the last couple of months. I've found classes and instructors that help keep me motivated towards my goal of a healthier me. The group of people in these classes? Amazing. It doesn't matter what physical shape you are in nor the time it takes to complete the tasks at hand, we're all there to support one another. The scale keeps creeping up and while that's daunting and frustrating, I'm trying to spend more time focusing on the things I have accomplished versus tearing myself down for the things I haven't. My clothes are starting to fit differently. I can do ACTUAL push ups. I'm gaining muscle. But most importantly, I feel good. I feel strong. 

I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be present in my relationships with my husband, my kids, my family and my friends. My phone is often kept on silent after the workday or put upstairs while I spend time with my family. It allows me to give them my full focus and pulls me away from the mindless scrolling that is so easy to get lost in. 

I'm continuing to grow in my job. 

I'm working towards self discovery, taking time for myself to learn and grow. 

2020 is about laughing, deep conversations, the adrenaline rush after a good workout. 2020 is for savoring, reflection and adventure. 2020 is for sparkling eyes and finish lines.
2020 is for living, let's do the dang thing. 

Love Is a Battlefield

Love isn't always easy. In fact, sometimes, it's really damn hard.

Have you ever heard the saying "a strong relationship requires choosing to love each other, even in those moments when you struggle to like each other?" TRUTH.  

Love isn't always a fairy tale. It's sometimes a comedy, other time it's a drama. And some days, you have no idea where in the hell you stand. 

Jacob and I have been together for 14 1/2 years. We started dating when we were 16 years old , had our first child together when we were 18 & 19, and got married nine years ago at 21 & 22. And boy oh boy, has it been quite the ride. 

Shortly into our relationship I broke his heart. And mercy, it was for such a silly reason..... also known as the new boy in the neighborhood.... eek. Bet y'all didn't know that. I blame it on being young and dumb. However, looking back, I know it was because my 17 year old self was absolutely terrified of how quickly I was developing feelings for him. My younger brother Michael was absolutely ruthless during this time, going to bat for Jacob time and time again. And then, the powers above interjected:

I'd left my cell phone sitting on the back bumper of my dad's truck while my brothers and some neighborhood kids were out playing a game of knockout or pig. Needless to say, I didn't remember I'd sat it there until it was too late.  I was sitting in the house, mumbling and grumbling to my mom about being a total doofus when our house phone rang. My brother came into the room, phone in hand. "Jacob's on the phone for you." I was dumb-founded. What could he want? We hadn't talked for over a month. I took the phone, "hello?" He quickly explained to me he had my phone and was wondering if he could bring it by. Wait....what?!?! After he arrived, he let me know that he'd been getting his hair cut when his cell phone rang. My name generated on the caller ID so he picked it up. A man explained to him that he'd found my phone in the road and while the screen was shattered, he had attempted to call out, hoping to reach myself or someone I knew. He got Jacob. Again, we hadn't talked in over a month, he wouldn't have been in my recent calls or texts. But somehow, he got through to HIM. 

After that day, we started talking and hanging out again. I wasn't ready to jump all in but sometimes life has a way of taking the bull by the horns. We've been together ever since then. 

But remember what I said, love isn't always a fairy tale. 

We were babies when we got together. And through the last 14 1/2 years, we've done a lot of growing, both as individuals and as a couple. Sometimes that growing brings you together and other times, it pushes you apart. 

While Jacob and I very seldom digress our marital woes  to the world, it's not to say we haven't had them. Because man, have we had them.

I remember a time almost four years ago, when I felt we were stuck. Truth of the matter is, looking back, I realize it wasn't intentional on either of our behalves, life just happened. Neither Jacob nor I's parents are still together. His parents divorced when he was young, mine when I was 21. And I'm going to be honest, during this period of time I lived in the mindset that we'd be there ourselves someday. I just thought, what make us any different? While we were living together, married and parents, this period of time felt less like a marriage and more like a room-mate situation. We barely talked, and when we did, it was more out of habit than anything. We merely co-existed. Trust me when I say it wreaked havoc on our relationship and it got hard.  During this time I was self destructing and being careless in regards to his feelings.  Luckily for me, I had a Jacob. Even though things were rough, he never gave up on us. We had to have some really tough conversations but through them, we were able to come to a revelation, we could get through this, that is, if we chose to. I remember one evening during this period, I walked out to the backyard to get some fresh air and busied myself watering flowers. As I walked past the playhouse, I looked up and there was my sign, staring right back at me, the names "Jessica" and "Jacob." They'd been there the entire time we'd lived there (they were the names of the original owner's kids). But in that moment, even though I'd seen them a million times before, they were exactly what I needed to see.  They were my reminder that we are better as a unit, complementing each other and bringing out the best in each other. 

Fast forward to today, year 9 of marriage and we're in a better place than the day we said our vows. We've triumphed, we've struggled. We've smiled, we've cried. We've felt on top of the world, we've felt lost. And yet, we've made it. 

We've been together through some really monumental moments and also some detrimental. And while it's easy to be together on the mountain tops, it's the times in the valley that will truly test you. 

And love, it's also a balancing act. 

Y'all, I can be an absolute disaster. I know it and so does he. And yet, he embraces it. He's a work horse. He doesn't call it a day until the job is done, whether it be for his career or a project he is working on at home. And while some days I can struggle with it, I also admire the hell out of him for it. Despite my momma being one of the best cooks I know, I can't cook to save my life. But Jacob? I think he was a chef in another lifetime. So he makes dinner and I do the dishes. And even though sometimes I swear he uses every dang dish in the kitchen, I really don't mind. We're both strong willed, but for the most part we know when to stand our ground and when to back down. 

Love is chaos. It's varying schedules and nights with little sleep. Sometimes it's weekly coffee dates and other times, you feel like you haven't spent quality time with each other in months. It's staying in with the kids while your partner is enjoying a night out with their friends. It's meaningful conversations and days with little words. 

Love is a battlefield; we're all scarred. That's how we know we're living a life worth fighting for.